November 3


Lesbian Relationships: Acceptance vs Settling

In our previous post, while talking about some of the dating struggles that lesbians who come out late in life might face, I wanted to be clear about one thing in particular:

Coming out late in life doesn’t mean that you have to settle.

Actually, that goes for everyone.

Accepting a situation is not the same as settling.

Potato – potatoh, right?

Not really.

One thing we hear a lot from single lesbians as an explanation for why they’re still single is this: 

They’re not willing to settle.

These women understand that the odds might be stacked against them, but they know who they are and what they want and they’re not willing to budge from that.

I’m not telling you to budge from it.

What I want to talk about is the difference between acceptance and settling.

Let’s say you’ve met a pretty amazing woman. She checks off almost all of your boxes. Almost all of them.

Maybe it’s that you really want someone with a college degree and she doesn’t have one. She has a great job, good benefits, but no college degree.

If you decide to pursue a relationship with her anyway, have you settled?

It depends on one thing really: how you feel about that one unchecked box.

If you are really bothered by that unchecked box, then it will be a problem for you. You will feel it in many, many interactions with her. It will nag at you. 

On the other hand, if you are otherwise happy with her, even if it was something that you really wanted – maybe even felt like it was a requirement at one point – then you’re less likely to feel that you settled. 

So it comes down to this:

Settling vs. acceptance is a matter of whether or not you are satisfied with your choice.

If, when you are truly honest with yourself, that unchecked box really bothers you to the point that her other amazing qualities don’t blind you past that one missing thing, then you’ll probably feel like you’ve settled.

If all of the other amazing things about her make that one missing thing maybe not as important as you initially thought it was, then you’ve accepted it, and you don’t feel like you’re missing anything.

So as it is with most things, it’s knowing yourself and being honest with yourself about what you want and need.

In the end, if it bothers you, it bothers you. That’s ok. Everybody isn’t for everybody.

But what I wouldn’t suggest you miss out on is the opportunity to see how you feel about that missing piece. You might be surprised.

You want love. How will you make sure not to settle?


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