If you’ve been around Pam and I long enough, then you’ve probably heard us caution people again “u-hauling.” We’ve dropped that gem in videos and right here in your email box.
Even baby-lesbians know what U-hauling is, and I’m sure you do too. But just to make sure you’re with me, I’ll briefly explain.
U-hauling refers to the tendency of lesbians to attach very quickly, which leads them to move their relationships along at a faster pace than they probably should, usually moving in together.
You know that old joke:
“What does a lesbian bring on a second date?”
“A U-haul.”
Yes, this is enough of an issue in the lesbian community that there is a tried and true joke about it.
Except it’s no joke.
This approach to relationships has contributed to an abnormally high rate of divorce in the lesbian community. In fact, our divorce rate is higher than any other couple combination, including heterosexual couples AND gay male couples.
So let’s talk a bit about why U-hauling is such a bad idea. We say that it is all of the time. But why?
Any reasons I can give you all boils down to one critical element: Time. Relationships need time to develop and become their best selves.
Here are three 3 reasons why moving too fast in a relationship is bad for a relationship.
Reason #1: The honeymoon phase.
I call the front end of any relationship the honeymoon phase. Everyone is on their best behavior. Romance is still strong and consistent.
She brings flowers. She sends cute little messages. She’s patient and kind. And funny. You fall in love.
The problem with this is that some of these things are difficult to sustain.
Life gets in the way.
Work commitments increase.
Family responsibilities sometimes take over.
You fall to her back seat more often than you did before. Suddenly the relationship is not what you thought it was.
Suddenly, SHE’S not what you thought she was.
When you hop into a relationship, you don’t give your relationship time to weather these storms. You don’t give yourself time to find out how you (or her!) will withstand them.
And the lesser the amount of time you spend before renting that u-haul, the least likely you are to have given your relationship the time to encounter and deal with the things that life will throw at you.
And you need that time because even the best relationships aren’t always flowers and cute chocolates.
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Reason #2: Relationships can only stand so much at one time.
When Pam and I first met, we were living halfway across the country from each other. When we decided to move closer, I didn’t move in with her. I just moved closer.
Why?
Our relationship had been founded on long distance. That’s the way we knew our relationship to operate.
We only saw each other for a certain amount of time. Moving closer to each other was already introducing a new stressor to our relationship.
Suddenly, we had ready access to each other and with that access came additional expectations. Adjusting to that was enough. We didn’t need the extra stressor of learning to live together under one roof. We let our relationship adjust to the one big change before introducing another.
New relationships are vulnerable. You haven’t weathered enough storms with each other yet for them to sustain a lot of challenges.
So putting more on your new relationship than it’s ready to handle is just a formula for disaster. Take smaller steps as you move towards your forever love. Even the strongest relationships can crumble when too much is asked of them.
Reason #3: There is more to a relationship than just love and feelings.
I know, I know. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But it’s true.
Relationships ain’t all love and kisses. There are day-to-day things that make a relationship work.
You can love anyone. You can’t live with just anyone though.
When you move too quickly, you aren’t making an informed decision about all of the intangibles (and the tangibles) that can make or break a relationship.
Is she a homebody or a social butterfly?
How do you feel about either?
You might think on the surface that you know, but you never know for sure until time has passed while attempting a relationship with her.
Is she neat and tidy or a mess?
How are her spending habits?
How is she when she’s angry?
What’s her family like? Like, what are they REALLY like, once the newness has worn off your relationship? And what does this mean for you?
Time, time, time. Relationships need time. Some age well. Some don’t.
But when you rush into something without all of the information you need, you don’t give yourself much of a fighting chance.
Yes, I’m sure you know a couple that uhauled it and they are still together. We do too.
It’s not smart though. The divorce numbers are what they are for a reason. Don’t risk your potential forever love. It deserves better than that.
If it’s the right relationship, it will continue to be the right relationship for you. But the only way to know this is to be willing step back and to let your relationship blossom in front of you.