There was a time when I didn’t want to get married.
It was the mid to late nineties.
I had been with my then-girlfriend of 10 years for a few years. How the discussion of marriage came up, I don’t recall.
What I do recall was standing firm on not wanting to get married. I’m a Taurus, we’re stubborn. It wasn’t that I didn’t love her. That was not the case at all.
At the time I didn’t see the purpose of marriage.
For one, I had seen my parents’ marriage. Aren’t our parents our model for what marriage should look like? That’s what I thought.
And because I thought that, I wanted no parts of marriage.
It’s not because my parents’ marriage was awful or abusive. There just wasn’t anything about it that made me think that marriage was this great institution people went on and on about.
My dad spent more time at church than at home and my mom followed the biblical script of patriarchy. I wasn’t down for that.
Plus, their communication sucked.
For two (I don’t think that’s right, but if I’m going to have a for one, why not have a for two? – if this is still here, Kelly let me slide by keeping this grammatical offense in here).
Ok back to my for two.
For two, I felt marriage was just a piece of paper and I didn’t need a piece of paper to tell me how much I loved anyone and I loved hard. I still do.
And, today I am married.
So why the change on my stance on marriage?
A part of it is because of growth and maturity.
My 10-year relationship ended when I was 31, or 32 years old, so I spent a good part of that relationship in my 20s.
I was a twenty-something dumb-dumb. Lol
Seriously, there was a lot I didn’t know and hadn’t experienced by my 20s. So I had a narrow-minded view of the world.
Fast forward to almost 10 years later, I met Kelly.
I had experienced a great deal between the 10-year relationship and Kelly. I spent almost seven of those 10 years on self – my single self. I’ll talk about that one day, just not today.
But through dating, short-lived relationships, heart-break, having sexual experiences I had previously refused (again, another story for another day), trying new foods, becoming a long-distance runner after being a long sprinter, and much more, I grew.
The other part of it is because I was ready and I was with the right partner to marry.
I’ll never forget it. There was no special moment. I was just in Kelly’s presence one day after being together for almost four years and a thought hit me:
“God I love her. I love her intelligence. I love how we laugh together. I love how she loves me, comforts me, and supports me. I love our conversations. I love how we say things at the same time so often.”
Then plop, it happened.
“I love her so much I want to be with her the rest of my life and I want to show her. I want to marry her.”
And marry her I did, on a steaming hot beautiful Saturday morning on July, 6th 2013 at Summit Rock in NYC.
Here’s a snippet of a video Kelly made for me as an anniversary gift in 2015.
Some would say our love story started online with an email exchange via Match.com. I’d say our love story started well before that.
And if you don’t know it, that’s true for you too. Your love story comes from your life experiences. It’s how you use those experiences to your advantage that matters.
It was every relationship, including my parents’, my own, that of others, breakups and heartbreaks that prepared me for Kelly.
See it all came down to, not being in a rush, and learning and knowing who I was and what I needed. And I took that experience to what was available to me at the time.
For me, it was going online to find love.
Today Kelly and I help lesbian, queer, and bi women build the foundation for a healthy, lasting relationship.
One way we do that is by starting with the beginning.
So if you’re looking for or tried looking for love online, but it didn’t work out, are you looking on the right type of site?
Don’t know, take our Quiz, What’s the Right Type of Dating Site for Your Next Relationship?