A friend was recently telling us about her frustration with women who came through her DMs (that’s cool-people speak for “contacted on Facebook Messenger) but who never had anything to say.
“What’s up?”
“How’re you doing?”
“What do you do for a living?”
Sound familiar?
What happens with a lot of these conversations is that this already-boring line of questioning dries up pretty quickly and the interaction fizzles.
Dead before it even got to live.
A few days ago, someone shared a post that listed important discussions that every couple should have prior to entering a serious relationship – and certainly prior to entering into a marriage.
The list included topics such as parenting styles, religion, sexual expectations, childhood traumas, family health history, and political views.
The list was pretty exhaustive and I certainly don’t think one would need to cover ALL of those things. However, there are a few that are both important and intriguing topics for early discussions.
Bucket list?
Yes! What are some of the things she wants to do in her lifetime? What has she done already?
This one is great because it’s both fun and informative. Do you share some of the same plans and goals? Do you want to do some of the same things?
If your list contains stuff like climbing Mt. Everest or stepping foot in Antarctica and hers leans more towards “still be out after 5 PM” or “go to the zoo,” then that’s useful information for you to have.
But how do you ease into these conversations? I mean, you don’t want it to sound like an interview (though it kinda is).
The bucket list one is the perfect transition topic from the classic “What do you like to do?” that is featured in nearly every new potentially romantic interaction.
You’ll want to find these little opportunities to move into other topics, especially as the interaction progresses.
And when you ask what matters. Some of these topics are important but are best reserved for the next tier.
So when do you ask what?
That depends on what you think is most important and your personal preferences and pacing.
Some folks want the heavy stuff up front so they can do a quick weeding out right off the bat. Opposing political views? Bye. You want children and I don’t? Moving on.
Others prefer to ease into the hard stuff. After all, some of the more sensitive topics are more likely to get honest answers if there has been time to establish a level of trust.
Remember our discussion about liars? Some of them are just people who aren’t quite ready to give you the full story.
Topics like mental health history and finances are super important but also very sensitive. You want to be careful not to push her too early, lest she gloss over some things up front out of fear of scaring you off.
However you tackle these important (and interesting!) topics just know that there’s no fast way to effectively get to know someone.
There’s also no way to know everything about someone before you become seriously involved.
But there is a way to be very intentional about the conversations and lessons that you learn from and about each other.