How do you keep it fresh?

There’s no real secret here. But there are things you can do that should help. Here are two keys to keeping it fresh.

Key #1: Try new things together

One way to help you not to grow apart is to make sure that you don’t leave space to grow apart.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you need to do everything together. That works for some couples and is disastrous for others.

But there should be new things that you intentionally choose to experience together.

Pam and I discovered together that we love to travel. We totally just stumbled upon it too.

My friend had invited me to visit her in St. Croix, and I asked my very new girlfriend if she wanted to join me.

There, we had some adventures that we still talk about today.

More importantly, we learned that we wanted to have even more adventures. Together.

It isn’t just traveling. But it is traveling together. Seeing new places, trying new activities, meeting different people. There’s just something about having these new experiences together that keeps us in things to talk about for years to come.

You have to find your “together things.” You want these “together things” to not just be stuff you do together but things that can be mixed up to create new experiences.

Maybe you’re foodies, or want to experience books together, or take dancing lessons. Don’t know what to try? Feel free to try anything. You might be surprised.

Key #2: Keep Growing … separately

Huh? Grow apart? Isn’t that what you want to avoid?

This might sound backwards but stay with me for a second.

Couples are not a two-headed monster. They are two separate people. They have some things in common but each person is a different person (mind blown, right?)

If each partner focuses on growing in her own right, a few pretty wonderful things happen.

First (and probably most importantly), each person grows. They learn. They gain the advantages of that growth. You’ll have that forever.

Second, you are always creating new things, new knowledge and new experiences to share with your partner.

Any and everything is an opportunity for growth. It could be growth in your career or in your hobbies or general interests.
Whatever it is, always look for ways to know more and do more, and if both of you are doing that, your bond will be stronger because of it.

Plus, growth and new experiences are just plain good for you!

The post Lesbian Relationship Advice: How to Not Run Out of Things to Say appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Some start off hard, others will likely hit some bumps along the road.

The longer you’re with someone, the greater the chances that you’ll hit some rough spots. It happens in every relationship. Even if the troubles aren’t directly related to the two of you, there will be some mud in the waters at some point.

Some relationships, too, are harder than others. Some couples spend most of their time sailing smooth seas and others always seem to be in a typhoon.

If all relationships are hard, how hard is too hard? Or is there even such a thing as too hard?

I don’t know if there’s such a thing as too hard. At least, not a hard and fast rule for it, anyway.

Let’s look at a scenario, involving a couple, Janice and Elaine (names have not been changed because I made these people up). Anyhoo….

Janice and Elaine’s relationship started out on the rocks.

Janice had never really had a positive romantic relationship. Her relationships had always involved cheating or general lack of trust. There was always arguing no matter who she was with. Janice also came from a family that lived on the rocks too.

Elaine’s situation wasn’t much different. Her parents didn’t have healthy communication patterns, nor did they typically do the stuff that healthy couples are sure to do, like spend time together.

Instead of Janice and Elaine’s situation, it could be just one person in the relationship with a crapload of “issues.”

So, of course, these relationships are just disasters waiting to happen, right?

Maybe. Maybe not.

What if both of the parties are well aware of their issues and are willing to work through them? Or possibly the less flawed partner has endless patience and is willing to hang with her partner through the constant ups and downs.

Look, let’s be real: that won’t work for everybody.

It wouldn’t work for me. Just the thought of constantly having to fight hard battles – even in a healthy way – makes me very, very tired.

I’m a firm believer in the fact that, yes, relationships are work, but they shouldn’t be HARD work, and certainly not all the time.

But some people are down for the fight. The odds are against them – they aren’t the most well matched pair – but they’re willing to fight for it. Often.

I’m not, but it’s ok if you are.

Here’s the thing though: you have to be down for the fight. REALLY down for the fight.

You have to be ready to roll up your sleeves and do the hard work. All. The. Time.

This might mean regular couple’s therapy, because you’re in constant need of a “tune-up.”

This might mean that even the small stuff – like, who does what house work – can turn into something major. And since life is full of small stuff… You see where I’m going.

Here’s what it comes down to:

How willing are you to put in the work, even if it’s a lot of work?

How long can you sustain putting in that work?

I’m never going to be one to tell people that their relationship is too hard or difficult. That’s not for me to judge.

Instead, I would urge you to think about these:

Are you still happy and satisfied?

Does resolving the problems energize or deteriorate your relationship?

In short, ALL things considered,

Is it all worth it in the end? 

That’s the magic measurement.

The post Lesbian Relationships Can Be Hard appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Coming out late in life doesn’t mean that you have to settle.

Actually, that goes for everyone.

Accepting a situation is not the same as settling.

Potato – potatoh, right?

Not really.

One thing we hear a lot from single lesbians as an explanation for why they’re still single is this: 

They’re not willing to settle.

These women understand that the odds might be stacked against them, but they know who they are and what they want and they’re not willing to budge from that.

I’m not telling you to budge from it.

What I want to talk about is the difference between acceptance and settling.

Let’s say you’ve met a pretty amazing woman. She checks off almost all of your boxes. Almost all of them.

Maybe it’s that you really want someone with a college degree and she doesn’t have one. She has a great job, good benefits, but no college degree.

If you decide to pursue a relationship with her anyway, have you settled?

It depends on one thing really: how you feel about that one unchecked box.

If you are really bothered by that unchecked box, then it will be a problem for you. You will feel it in many, many interactions with her. It will nag at you. 

On the other hand, if you are otherwise happy with her, even if it was something that you really wanted – maybe even felt like it was a requirement at one point – then you’re less likely to feel that you settled. 

So it comes down to this:

Settling vs. acceptance is a matter of whether or not you are satisfied with your choice.

If, when you are truly honest with yourself, that unchecked box really bothers you to the point that her other amazing qualities don’t blind you past that one missing thing, then you’ll probably feel like you’ve settled.

If all of the other amazing things about her make that one missing thing maybe not as important as you initially thought it was, then you’ve accepted it, and you don’t feel like you’re missing anything.

So as it is with most things, it’s knowing yourself and being honest with yourself about what you want and need.

In the end, if it bothers you, it bothers you. That’s ok. Everybody isn’t for everybody.

But what I wouldn’t suggest you miss out on is the opportunity to see how you feel about that missing piece. You might be surprised.

You want love. How will you make sure not to settle?

The post Lesbian Relationships: Acceptance vs Settling appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

I dabbled here and there, in relationships with men and with women, but this long educational journey of mine really kept me from investing too much and too long into relationships. I was, instead, a serial monogamist: one short-term (measured in years, not months) but exclusive relationship after another.

Pam was not my first truly long term relationship, and neither was she my first relationship with a woman. But she was the first time those things occurred together. It was a learning curve for me.

So while I would not categorize myself as someone who came out later in life (my first relationship with a woman was when I was 20), I have some understanding of the unique challenge faced by those who do.

As we fall further into the abyss of middle age, Pam and I come across quite a few women who are either newly out to those around them or even newly out to themselves.

Many of these women are in a space where they are both trying to learn about themselves and also learning how to date women AND trying to find women to date.

Whew!

Every year, I host a discussion session on my campus where we talk about lesbian relationships. While there are a lot of things that are consistent across relationships, there are some issues that are unique to women dating women. We discuss many of these things in our blog.

I’m a psychologist. I’m a big proponent of knowing oneself and being honest about what you know about yourself. It pays out big in so many ways. 

Building positive and healthy relationships, both romantic and otherwise, with people who complement you is one of the ways in which knowing yourself pays off in huge ways.

So now you know yourself. You’re learning more and more about dating women.

What about finding her? That’s the part that gets more challenging.

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, as we get older, people are paired off. Pam and I are hard pressed to think of many lesbian single friends. An already small dating pool is made smaller the older you are. That’s just the hard truth.

Here’s another: of the women who are still single (or newly single), probably a disproportionate number of them, are not ideal mates for reasons you’ve probably already experienced, unfortunately.

They have not had successful relationships for reasons that likely became pretty obvious the more you talked to them.

There are a lot of such women swimming in the dating waters at this age.

It can really leave you feeling like either women are a bit nuts or that lesbian dating in general is just a hodgepodge of hopelessness.

I don’t say this to discourage you.

Instead, I say this so that you know that you likely will have to try a little extra hard to find “her.”

You may have to revisit the things that are most important to you and decide what are things that are must-haves and what things are just nice-to-have and adjust your boundaries and expectations accordingly.

I’m not telling you to settle (more on that next week). I’m telling you to consider a comfortable spot where you can still feel satisfied with your choice in partners and not like you are giving up something you really wanted.

There are women out there. There are women out there without horrible relationship track records or traits that make them less-than-ideal partners. But if you open your possibilities and they open theirs, then you’ll be more likely to find each other.

How willing are you to keep an open mind?

The post Lesbians Coming Out Late in Life: The Struggle is Real appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Dead before it even got to live.

A few days ago, someone shared a post that listed important discussions that every couple should have prior to entering a serious relationship – and certainly prior to entering into a marriage.

The list included topics such as parenting styles, religion, sexual expectations, childhood traumas, family health history, and political views.

The list was pretty exhaustive and I certainly don’t think one would need to cover ALL of those things. However, there are a few that are both important and intriguing topics for early discussions.

Bucket list?

Yes! What are some of the things she wants to do in her lifetime? What has she done already?

This one is great because it’s both fun and informative. Do you share some of the same plans and goals? Do you want to do some of the same things?

If your list contains stuff like climbing Mt. Everest or stepping foot in Antarctica and hers leans more towards “still be out after 5 PM” or “go to the zoo,” then that’s useful information for you to have.

But how do you ease into these conversations? I mean, you don’t want it to sound like an interview (though it kinda is).

The bucket list one is the perfect transition topic from the classic “What do you like to do?” that is featured in nearly every new potentially romantic interaction.
You’ll want to find these little opportunities to move into other topics, especially as the interaction progresses.

And when you ask what matters. Some of these topics are important but are best reserved for the next tier.

So when do you ask what?

That depends on what you think is most important and your personal preferences and pacing.

Some folks want the heavy stuff up front so they can do a quick weeding out right off the bat. Opposing political views? Bye. You want children and I don’t? Moving on.

Others prefer to ease into the hard stuff. After all, some of the more sensitive topics are more likely to get honest answers if there has been time to establish a level of trust.

Remember our discussion about liars? Some of them are just people who aren’t quite ready to give you the full story.

Topics like mental health history and finances are super important but also very sensitive. You want to be careful not to push her too early, lest she gloss over some things up front out of fear of scaring you off.

However you tackle these important (and interesting!) topics just know that there’s no fast way to effectively get to know someone.

There’s also no way to know everything about someone before you become seriously involved.

But there is a way to be very intentional about the conversations and lessons that you learn from and about each other.

The post Running Out Of Stuff To Say To Her?: How To Talk To A Lesbian appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Liars.

Time and time again, frustrated users or ex-users of online dating services tell us how many times they’ve been lied to by women that they’ve met on this sites and apps.

Liars.

Sounds simple enough, right?

These women are obviously portraying themselves as something that they’re not. You find out that they’re not single or they don’t have the job that they told you they had. Maybe she has children and told you she did not. Those photos may have been from 15 years ago.

Those are certainly lies. No doubt about it.

But what about when you just feel like you’ve been lied to? Have you been?

This is where it gets a little gray.

Here’s the simple truth (pun possibly intended): sometimes we’re not great at telling others what we want and need.

Online dating is a breeding ground for this. People write bad profiles, containing mostly useless information. Trying to make sense of the scattered words, you read between the lines.

And sometimes, you’re going to be reading those lines wrong.

The outdated photo… did you ask if it was current? Sometimes people are on dating sites for a really long time (I know I was). They don’t always keep their profiles current.

What about that photo of her skiing in Colorado? You saw it and got excited because you LOVE to ski. Obviously she loves it too.

But does she really?

You get to chatting and realize that she HATES skiing and other outdoorsy things.

You swore she said in her profile that she loves skiing. Has she lied to you?

And then there’s your profile.

Is it as good as it can be? Is it clear? Is it current?

There will always be the people who don’t read or who think they can persuade you away from what you say you want. Sadly, you can’t avoid that.

But you can limit it by taking the time to put the best “you” out there.

It doesn’t have to be a novel; people aren’t going to read all of it anyway (it’s a sad, sad non-reading world we live in).

However, you can be clear and to the point, not wasting your word space on unnecessary info and using those words for the things that matter the most to you.

In the pre-Pam years, I had my profile on many many sites and I cannot tell you how many profiles I would run across that offered me so little to go on. All of the spaces were filled in, there were photos. But I came away with little that was helpful, little to connect it all together, or I maybe came away with something she hadn’t intended.

If I had contacted one of those women and came away with something different than what her profile gave me, I probably would have felt betrayed. Lied to.

If something is unclear, don’t fill in the blanks. Ask her about that skiing photo. Ask her what “loves going out” really means.

Look, this is the situation: people can be awful. Some will lie. Some will scam.

But others can be wonderful.

The best you can do is protect ourselves from the awful ones so that you make sure that you don’t miss out on the wonderful ones. And that takes a little extra effort.

Stay safe out there in those online dating streets.

The post She Lied on Her Profile: How to Limit the Liars appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Make no mistake – just because you’ve had one before doesn’t mean that you were ready for it. And just because you haven’t had one doesn’t mean you aren’t ready.

But what does “ready” look like?

As with so many matters, it really just depends on a lot of things. However, there are some things you should think about to help you think through your readiness.

First, what does this long term relationship look like for you?

Try to envision what your ideal relationship looks like. That’s different for everyone. Consider questions like: 

• Are you both career women who spend your evenings at home? 
• Do you travel a lot together? 
• How much time do you spend together? Apart? 
• Do you have children? 
• What is your financial situation? 

And don’t forget emotional readiness questions like:

• Do you share your most intimate thoughts with your partner?
• Do you openly communicate, even if it makes you uncomfortable?
• Are you willing to sacrifice your own needs (in the moment) for those of your partner?
• Are you confident and comfortable in your own skin?

These are the kinds of questions that help you to get a sense of what you want your long-term relationship to look like.

Second, are you ready right now to play your role in this vision?

If your long-term outlook is financially stable, are you? Do you currently have a life that is ready for child-rearing? What about your career? Is it busy and unpredictable or are you able to have those evening meals with that special someone?

If communication is a super important part of your vision (and it should be!), are YOU ready to do it? If you want a relationship that involves self-sacrifice sometimes, are you ready and willing to make sacrifices?

If you aren’t ready to carry out that vision, then you aren’t ready for that relationship that you desire.

Third, what can you do to get you ready to carry out that vision?

Maybe this involves a change in career or employer. Maybe it’s just about waiting to climb the ladder so you have more flexibility.

Maybe there are some emotional issues from your family or past relationships you need to start working through so that you are comfortable being vulnerable with your partner.

Whatever it is, take stock of the vision of your long-term relationship.

See what parts you are ready to provide.

Make a plan for the things that you are not ready to add to the vision.

In the meantime, keep looking for the one who can help you carry out this vision or keep nurturing your current relationship so that you can both one day live out that vision together.

The post How Do You Know You’re Ready for a Relationship? appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

With that in mind, I want to write to you about the importance of taking a pause.

Pam and I have been two of the most pandemic – agreeable folks on the planet, or at least I’m guessing (since I haven’t yet polled everyone). But since last March, we have been dutifully in our home, limiting our outside contact, following whatever the ever-changing recommendations were in the moment.

It still blows my mind that in January 2020, we were running footloose and fancy free around Asia, not aware of the turmoil that was brewing, and which hit the fan not long after we returned. We were lucky. Really lucky.

Anyhoo….

We love to travel. It’s one of those things that we have grown into together, from a mere interest to a real love. So it’s been reeeeealllly hard for us to stay put, as our travel plans for summer 2020 got pushed back and eventually cancelled.

But here we are. With things settling a bit, we thought it was time that we dipped our toes back into the traveling waters.

We wanted to do it but, ever the dutiful pandemic survivors, we wanted to do it safely. It had to be somewhere that wasn’t too far. Outside activities and dining had to be an option pretty much all the time. We didn’t want crowds. Dog-friendly was a must because, let’s face it, even our dog deserved a vacay.

See, we needed a pause. We needed a pause in our regularly scheduled programming.

One of us *cough* Pam *cough* really only distances herself from her regularly scheduled programming while away.

And though we loved our home, we needed a change in scenery.

We also needed to know and feel like there was a life to be desired in the post-Covid world.

Taking a pause, pandemic or not, is so incredibly important. It slows your life down. It can create clarity in other areas.

Sometimes it can be hard to see some things unless you remove the noise.

Pausing helps remove the noise.

Here, I’m talking about using a vacation as a pause to a brutal pandemic, but of course, it doesn’t have to be.

A walk during a work day can help clear your head.

A sweet treat can help break the monotony of a new healthy meal plan. Maybe you’ll return to that healthy eating style the next day realizing that you don’t miss those treats as much as you thought or by learning that you can have that treat and still get right back on track the next day. 

And how about stopping action during the grind of the dating scene to ponder what you’ve learned and what you still need and want to know?

If you’re lucky on the dating scene, you may find yourself in a whirlwind of possibilities. Some of these “possibilities” are good fits for you, and others not so much. But they’re there.

So if you’re feeling overwhelmed in the dating process or really any spot in your life, take a pause.

A pause. Not a stoppage. 

Time to relax. Reflect. Appreciate. Evaluate.

You know how you probably turn down the car radio so you can do things like operate the ATM?

Take that pause and turn down life’s noise so you can focus on the task at hand.

And don’t worry that pausing is going to slow down your progress. Sometimes, it’s the thing necessary to speed it up.

The post Taking a pause from dating appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Am I being honest with myself about who I am and what I need and want?

It’s such a simple thing. But it’s really not a lot of times.

I know that I don’t always trust that my feelings about things are valid. I question if I should feel a certain way about a certain thing. Instead, I should take that time and sit in the reality that I do feel that way about that certain thing.

When it comes to finding that certain mate, many people talk themselves out of asking for what they really want and really need.

Or they’ll convince themselves that they do or don’t have particular personality traits.

Let’s say you really enjoy being in social settings. That’s what gives you life. You are hardly ever home.

But you’ve been having a hard time finding a woman who either wants to be out and about with you or is fine with you being out and about.

So instead of continuing the search for that woman, you tell yourself that you don’t like to go out that much, and you could be happy staying home more.

Except you’ve already tried that and it didn’t work because you aren’t ready – and maybe never will be – ready to be a homebody.

Yes, a good woman can help you to see a different side of you that you may never have considered before.

She can encourage change and growth, and you might be happier for it.

But remember that discussion about change?

She can’t change you. Only you can change you. 

So you have to be honest with yourself about whether this is a change that you desire.

The moral of the story is this:

It’s not picky if it’s what you need and want to be happy and to have a healthy relationship.

Just be honest with her and with yourself about it.

Remember, you aren’t for everybody and everybody ain't for you. And that’s ok.

The post You’re being too picky appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

This weather has been promised to us for a long time – well, for a week. It feels longer. I checked the forecast early last week and was pleased with how often that little sunshine emoji popped up.

Yet, as each day arrived, those smiling suns became clouds.

See, we started the process of going solar months ago and finally – FINALLY – our panels were activated less than two weeks ago. I have been watching the sun and the panels like a hawk since.

There are lots of options you have when choosing your path to solar. The one we chose means that we pay our solar company for the power produced by our panels each month. It doesn’t matter how much electricity we use; it’s about how much power our panels produce.

That means that sunnier days actually result in higher bills.

Sounds crazy, right? Why would we ever agree to such a thing?! And why would I WANT the days to be sunny?

This is why: we are playing the long game.

Any unused power produced by our panels is shared with our neighbors and our regular utility company credits us for that power we’ve provided.

Long story short(er): our electric bill will actually be much lower in the winter, despite our panels not producing much power.

Blah, blah, blah. Why am I talking to you about solar power? You probably don’t care. I just barely care.

This is the point I’m trying to make: sometimes when you look in the short term, sometimes things don’t seem worth it.

But when you think more long term, when you step back and see the big picture and you play for “later” and not just “now,” suddenly you can see the benefits.

This extends to so many areas of our lives. Work. Family. Romantic relationships.

Sometimes we are so obsessed with looking for the value now that we don’t let things develop so that we get even more value in the long run.

Maybe you’ve been doing online dating sites for a few months, maybe even paying for them, with little to no return.

Maybe, as I was at one point, facing the decision of whether to make substantial changes to my current life in the promise of something better down the line.

Maybe you’re just starting a relationship that doesn’t seem to be moving along fast enough for you.

I’m not saying delay what you really want. You want some value up front too, right?

You at least want some solid dates from that dating app. You want to enjoy some aspects of your super-new relationship.

But remember: It’s about the long game.

Let me be clear: the long game isn’t about waiting and waiting and waiting to see what happens. If the game is worth playing, you’ll see some small returns in the short term.

Instead, the long game is about realizing that sometimes you have to let the whole story unfold before you see the FULL value of the situation.

The post Why It’s Ok To Slow Down Lesbian Dating appeared first on Pam & Kelly.