Even baby-lesbians know what U-hauling is, and I’m sure you do too. But just to make sure you’re with me, I’ll briefly explain.

U-hauling refers to the tendency of lesbians to attach very quickly, which leads them to move their relationships along at a faster pace than they probably should, usually moving in together.

You know that old joke: 

“What does a lesbian bring on a second date?”

“A U-haul.”

Yes, this is enough of an issue in the lesbian community that there is a tried and true joke about it.

Except it’s no joke.

This approach to relationships has contributed to an abnormally high rate of divorce in the lesbian community. In fact, our divorce rate is higher than any other couple combination, including heterosexual couples AND gay male couples.

So let’s talk a bit about why U-hauling is such a bad idea. We say that it is all of the time. But why?

Any reasons I can give you all boils down to one critical element: Time. Relationships need time to develop and become their best selves.

Here are three 3 reasons why moving too fast in a relationship is bad for a relationship.

Reason #1: The honeymoon phase.

I call the front end of any relationship the honeymoon phase. Everyone is on their best behavior. Romance is still strong and consistent.

She brings flowers. She sends cute little messages. She’s patient and kind. And funny. You fall in love.

The problem with this is that some of these things are difficult to sustain. 

Life gets in the way.

Work commitments increase. 

Family responsibilities sometimes take over. 

You fall to her back seat more often than you did before. Suddenly the relationship is not what you thought it was.

Suddenly, SHE’S not what you thought she was.

When you hop into a relationship, you don’t give your relationship time to weather these storms. You don’t give yourself time to find out how you (or her!) will withstand them.

And the lesser the amount of time you spend before renting that u-haul, the least likely you are to have given your relationship the time to encounter and deal with the things that life will throw at you.

And you need that time because even the best relationships aren’t always flowers and cute chocolates.

RELATED:
Lesbian Dating: Is that Really the Type of Relationship You Want?

Reason #2: Relationships can only stand so much at one time.

When Pam and I first met, we were living halfway across the country from each other. When we decided to move closer, I didn’t move in with her. I just moved closer.

Why?

Our relationship had been founded on long distance. That’s the way we knew our relationship to operate.

We only saw each other for a certain amount of time. Moving closer to each other was already introducing a new stressor to our relationship. 

Suddenly, we had ready access to each other and with that access came additional expectations. Adjusting to that was enough. We didn’t need the extra stressor of learning to live together under one roof. We let our relationship adjust to the one big change before introducing another.

New relationships are vulnerable. You haven’t weathered enough storms with each other yet for them to sustain a lot of challenges.

So putting more on your new relationship than it’s ready to handle is just a formula for disaster. Take smaller steps as you move towards your forever love. Even the strongest relationships can crumble when too much is asked of them.

Reason #3: There is more to a relationship than just love and feelings.

I know, I know. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But it’s true.

Relationships ain’t all love and kisses. There are day-to-day things that make a relationship work.

You can love anyone. You can’t live with just anyone though.

When you move too quickly, you aren’t making an informed decision about all of the intangibles (and the tangibles) that can make or break a relationship.

Is she a homebody or a social butterfly?

How do you feel about either?

You might think on the surface that you know, but you never know for sure until time has passed while attempting a relationship with her.

Is she neat and tidy or a mess?

How are her spending habits?

How is she when she’s angry?

What’s her family like? Like, what are they REALLY like, once the newness has worn off your relationship? And what does this mean for you?

Time, time, time. Relationships need time. Some age well. Some don’t.

But when you rush into something without all of the information you need, you don’t give yourself much of a fighting chance.

Yes, I’m sure you know a couple that uhauled it and they are still together. We do too.

It’s not smart though. The divorce numbers are what they are for a reason. Don’t risk your potential forever love. It deserves better than that.

If it’s the right relationship, it will continue to be the right relationship for you. But the only way to know this is to be willing step back and to let your relationship blossom in front of you.

The post Lesbian Dating Advice: 3 Reasons Why Moving Too Fast in a Relationship is Bad appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Tip #1: Create new traditions

Sometimes one of the hardest things about getting through a holiday without a loved one can be missing out on traditions or feeling their absence when you keep the tradition.

For some people, keeping a tradition makes them keep the memory of their loved ones close and for others, it just makes them feel the absence more.

All traditions start somewhere.

If you are in the second camp, try creating new traditions. You can go completely away from what you used to do or you can find creative ways to keep your original tradition. Either way, this is a healthy way of coping.

New traditions are also great for single folks or new families/relationships, giving you a chance to create something that is uniquely yours to share with a new love or 3-5 of your best single friends!

Here, feel free to think outside the box, and you don’t have to think too hard.

A couple of years ago, Pam’s parents and mine weren’t available to come to our traditional Christmas meal as usual. Having the parents out of the equation – and their expectation of a more traditional holiday meal – Pam and I decided to make Spanish tapas (our fave), and a new tradition was born. We make our favorite tapas every year now and our families join us.

Tip #2:  Get started early

I know. Lots of people make this plan every year.

If you are “lots of people,” then, this year, actually do it!

A lot of holiday stress is about feeling like you have sooooo much to do at exactly the time when other things demand even more of your time (office holiday party, anyone?).

Start shopping for gifts now. Start planning your meal now. Decorate now, before it becomes yet another thing on a long list of things you have to do. Besides, who doesn’t enjoy a few extra weeks of holiday decor?

Also, use whatever resources you have to get it all done. Have your friends and family fill out their Amazon wishlists. It’ll save you the guessing game and you can just check out.

So many grocery stores offer curbside pick up now; you can start filling your virtual shopping cart now and check out when you’re ready. It might cost a small fee but if you can afford it, the nerves you save might be your own.

Tip #3: Focus on the Important Stuff

Food. Gifts. Decorations.

All of that gets so much of our attention and energy and none of it matters.

Holidays are about friends and family and the moment. If you are a religious person, then the “moment” is also about the religious significance.

When you take the time to really re-frame how you look at the holidays, then it will become a bit easier to deal with that ridiculous relative who always has something to say about you or your choices, or to manage your first holiday without a loved one.

After all, even without them physically there, the moment remains and can still be special to you. You can write a new holiday story in which your missed loved one is simply in it in a different way.

I once watched a movie where a character who couldn’t afford to buy gifts for her children said they “wouldn’t have Christmas.” Well, Christmas comes with or without gifts. You can’t stop it. But you can miss it if you’re focused on the wrong things.

Happy Holiday season!

The post Lesbian Holidays: Here Are 3 Tips To Get Through The Holidays appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

How do you keep it fresh?

There’s no real secret here. But there are things you can do that should help. Here are two keys to keeping it fresh.

Key #1: Try new things together

One way to help you not to grow apart is to make sure that you don’t leave space to grow apart.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you need to do everything together. That works for some couples and is disastrous for others.

But there should be new things that you intentionally choose to experience together.

Pam and I discovered together that we love to travel. We totally just stumbled upon it too.

My friend had invited me to visit her in St. Croix, and I asked my very new girlfriend if she wanted to join me.

There, we had some adventures that we still talk about today.

More importantly, we learned that we wanted to have even more adventures. Together.

It isn’t just traveling. But it is traveling together. Seeing new places, trying new activities, meeting different people. There’s just something about having these new experiences together that keeps us in things to talk about for years to come.

You have to find your “together things.” You want these “together things” to not just be stuff you do together but things that can be mixed up to create new experiences.

Maybe you’re foodies, or want to experience books together, or take dancing lessons. Don’t know what to try? Feel free to try anything. You might be surprised.

Key #2: Keep Growing … separately

Huh? Grow apart? Isn’t that what you want to avoid?

This might sound backwards but stay with me for a second.

Couples are not a two-headed monster. They are two separate people. They have some things in common but each person is a different person (mind blown, right?)

If each partner focuses on growing in her own right, a few pretty wonderful things happen.

First (and probably most importantly), each person grows. They learn. They gain the advantages of that growth. You’ll have that forever.

Second, you are always creating new things, new knowledge and new experiences to share with your partner.

Any and everything is an opportunity for growth. It could be growth in your career or in your hobbies or general interests.
Whatever it is, always look for ways to know more and do more, and if both of you are doing that, your bond will be stronger because of it.

Plus, growth and new experiences are just plain good for you!

The post Lesbian Relationship Advice: How to Not Run Out of Things to Say appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Some start off hard, others will likely hit some bumps along the road.

The longer you’re with someone, the greater the chances that you’ll hit some rough spots. It happens in every relationship. Even if the troubles aren’t directly related to the two of you, there will be some mud in the waters at some point.

Some relationships, too, are harder than others. Some couples spend most of their time sailing smooth seas and others always seem to be in a typhoon.

If all relationships are hard, how hard is too hard? Or is there even such a thing as too hard?

I don’t know if there’s such a thing as too hard. At least, not a hard and fast rule for it, anyway.

Let’s look at a scenario, involving a couple, Janice and Elaine (names have not been changed because I made these people up). Anyhoo….

Janice and Elaine’s relationship started out on the rocks.

Janice had never really had a positive romantic relationship. Her relationships had always involved cheating or general lack of trust. There was always arguing no matter who she was with. Janice also came from a family that lived on the rocks too.

Elaine’s situation wasn’t much different. Her parents didn’t have healthy communication patterns, nor did they typically do the stuff that healthy couples are sure to do, like spend time together.

Instead of Janice and Elaine’s situation, it could be just one person in the relationship with a crapload of “issues.”

So, of course, these relationships are just disasters waiting to happen, right?

Maybe. Maybe not.

What if both of the parties are well aware of their issues and are willing to work through them? Or possibly the less flawed partner has endless patience and is willing to hang with her partner through the constant ups and downs.

Look, let’s be real: that won’t work for everybody.

It wouldn’t work for me. Just the thought of constantly having to fight hard battles – even in a healthy way – makes me very, very tired.

I’m a firm believer in the fact that, yes, relationships are work, but they shouldn’t be HARD work, and certainly not all the time.

But some people are down for the fight. The odds are against them – they aren’t the most well matched pair – but they’re willing to fight for it. Often.

I’m not, but it’s ok if you are.

Here’s the thing though: you have to be down for the fight. REALLY down for the fight.

You have to be ready to roll up your sleeves and do the hard work. All. The. Time.

This might mean regular couple’s therapy, because you’re in constant need of a “tune-up.”

This might mean that even the small stuff – like, who does what house work – can turn into something major. And since life is full of small stuff… You see where I’m going.

Here’s what it comes down to:

How willing are you to put in the work, even if it’s a lot of work?

How long can you sustain putting in that work?

I’m never going to be one to tell people that their relationship is too hard or difficult. That’s not for me to judge.

Instead, I would urge you to think about these:

Are you still happy and satisfied?

Does resolving the problems energize or deteriorate your relationship?

In short, ALL things considered,

Is it all worth it in the end? 

That’s the magic measurement.

The post Lesbian Relationships Can Be Hard appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Coming out late in life doesn’t mean that you have to settle.

Actually, that goes for everyone.

Accepting a situation is not the same as settling.

Potato – potatoh, right?

Not really.

One thing we hear a lot from single lesbians as an explanation for why they’re still single is this: 

They’re not willing to settle.

These women understand that the odds might be stacked against them, but they know who they are and what they want and they’re not willing to budge from that.

I’m not telling you to budge from it.

What I want to talk about is the difference between acceptance and settling.

Let’s say you’ve met a pretty amazing woman. She checks off almost all of your boxes. Almost all of them.

Maybe it’s that you really want someone with a college degree and she doesn’t have one. She has a great job, good benefits, but no college degree.

If you decide to pursue a relationship with her anyway, have you settled?

It depends on one thing really: how you feel about that one unchecked box.

If you are really bothered by that unchecked box, then it will be a problem for you. You will feel it in many, many interactions with her. It will nag at you. 

On the other hand, if you are otherwise happy with her, even if it was something that you really wanted – maybe even felt like it was a requirement at one point – then you’re less likely to feel that you settled. 

So it comes down to this:

Settling vs. acceptance is a matter of whether or not you are satisfied with your choice.

If, when you are truly honest with yourself, that unchecked box really bothers you to the point that her other amazing qualities don’t blind you past that one missing thing, then you’ll probably feel like you’ve settled.

If all of the other amazing things about her make that one missing thing maybe not as important as you initially thought it was, then you’ve accepted it, and you don’t feel like you’re missing anything.

So as it is with most things, it’s knowing yourself and being honest with yourself about what you want and need.

In the end, if it bothers you, it bothers you. That’s ok. Everybody isn’t for everybody.

But what I wouldn’t suggest you miss out on is the opportunity to see how you feel about that missing piece. You might be surprised.

You want love. How will you make sure not to settle?

The post Lesbian Relationships: Acceptance vs Settling appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

I dabbled here and there, in relationships with men and with women, but this long educational journey of mine really kept me from investing too much and too long into relationships. I was, instead, a serial monogamist: one short-term (measured in years, not months) but exclusive relationship after another.

Pam was not my first truly long term relationship, and neither was she my first relationship with a woman. But she was the first time those things occurred together. It was a learning curve for me.

So while I would not categorize myself as someone who came out later in life (my first relationship with a woman was when I was 20), I have some understanding of the unique challenge faced by those who do.

As we fall further into the abyss of middle age, Pam and I come across quite a few women who are either newly out to those around them or even newly out to themselves.

Many of these women are in a space where they are both trying to learn about themselves and also learning how to date women AND trying to find women to date.

Whew!

Every year, I host a discussion session on my campus where we talk about lesbian relationships. While there are a lot of things that are consistent across relationships, there are some issues that are unique to women dating women. We discuss many of these things in our blog.

I’m a psychologist. I’m a big proponent of knowing oneself and being honest about what you know about yourself. It pays out big in so many ways. 

Building positive and healthy relationships, both romantic and otherwise, with people who complement you is one of the ways in which knowing yourself pays off in huge ways.

So now you know yourself. You’re learning more and more about dating women.

What about finding her? That’s the part that gets more challenging.

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, as we get older, people are paired off. Pam and I are hard pressed to think of many lesbian single friends. An already small dating pool is made smaller the older you are. That’s just the hard truth.

Here’s another: of the women who are still single (or newly single), probably a disproportionate number of them, are not ideal mates for reasons you’ve probably already experienced, unfortunately.

They have not had successful relationships for reasons that likely became pretty obvious the more you talked to them.

There are a lot of such women swimming in the dating waters at this age.

It can really leave you feeling like either women are a bit nuts or that lesbian dating in general is just a hodgepodge of hopelessness.

I don’t say this to discourage you.

Instead, I say this so that you know that you likely will have to try a little extra hard to find “her.”

You may have to revisit the things that are most important to you and decide what are things that are must-haves and what things are just nice-to-have and adjust your boundaries and expectations accordingly.

I’m not telling you to settle (more on that next week). I’m telling you to consider a comfortable spot where you can still feel satisfied with your choice in partners and not like you are giving up something you really wanted.

There are women out there. There are women out there without horrible relationship track records or traits that make them less-than-ideal partners. But if you open your possibilities and they open theirs, then you’ll be more likely to find each other.

How willing are you to keep an open mind?

The post Lesbians Coming Out Late in Life: The Struggle is Real appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

What women say that they want.

It’s usually one of two things: either the woman doesn’t know what she wants, or she knows what she wants but isn’t honest about her true intentions.

That first woman is exhausting, especially if you’re clear on what YOU want.

She’s exhausting because she can take you on a rollercoaster ride.

One day, she has one dream for her relationship, and the next day it’s something else.

One day, she seems to be the perfect fit for you, the next day, you don’t seem to want the same things anymore.

To avoid being that woman, take some time to really figure out what it is you want. What kind of relationship? What kind of woman? What does that relationship look like.

And I’m sure you can guess what I’m going to say next but here goes anyway: and be honest with yourself about it.

Which leads me to the next piece: women who know what they want (or who at least believe that they do) but say they want something else.

Maybe you know the drill, and if you’ve had people slide into your DMs (that’s “direct messaging” like Facebook or Instagram messenger, for those who are not in the know), you probably do:

She sends you a message because she saw you in a Facebook group. She claims she’s just looking for friends.

However, her message is a full-on dating profile.

Does she want friends or is she ultimately looking for a relationship? Those things are not mutually exclusive, so she also could be looking for both. 

And that’s the problem.

If you are looking for a friendship that could potentially lead to a relationship, then just say that. Don’t be cute about it. Be honest about it.

When you aren’t, then you end up with the woman who also only wants friends who might then be put off when you try to move things along.

Starting as friends is great (and recommended) but if you are on a journey to a romantic relationship, then you should be on it together. 

Besides, friendship and friendship with the ultimate goal of exploring something romantic are two different animals. The getting-to-know-you phase will likely be different depending on the goal. There are certain things that you don’t need to know about your friends that are important to know about a potential partner.

So just put it out there. Don’t be shy about saying what you want. 

Too often, women shy away from expressing their desires for fear of being viewed as difficult or too aggressive. Let that go. 

Trust me: more women would rather you just be honest.

The post Lesbian Dating: Is that Really the Type of Relationship You Want? appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Dead before it even got to live.

A few days ago, someone shared a post that listed important discussions that every couple should have prior to entering a serious relationship – and certainly prior to entering into a marriage.

The list included topics such as parenting styles, religion, sexual expectations, childhood traumas, family health history, and political views.

The list was pretty exhaustive and I certainly don’t think one would need to cover ALL of those things. However, there are a few that are both important and intriguing topics for early discussions.

Bucket list?

Yes! What are some of the things she wants to do in her lifetime? What has she done already?

This one is great because it’s both fun and informative. Do you share some of the same plans and goals? Do you want to do some of the same things?

If your list contains stuff like climbing Mt. Everest or stepping foot in Antarctica and hers leans more towards “still be out after 5 PM” or “go to the zoo,” then that’s useful information for you to have.

But how do you ease into these conversations? I mean, you don’t want it to sound like an interview (though it kinda is).

The bucket list one is the perfect transition topic from the classic “What do you like to do?” that is featured in nearly every new potentially romantic interaction.
You’ll want to find these little opportunities to move into other topics, especially as the interaction progresses.

And when you ask what matters. Some of these topics are important but are best reserved for the next tier.

So when do you ask what?

That depends on what you think is most important and your personal preferences and pacing.

Some folks want the heavy stuff up front so they can do a quick weeding out right off the bat. Opposing political views? Bye. You want children and I don’t? Moving on.

Others prefer to ease into the hard stuff. After all, some of the more sensitive topics are more likely to get honest answers if there has been time to establish a level of trust.

Remember our discussion about liars? Some of them are just people who aren’t quite ready to give you the full story.

Topics like mental health history and finances are super important but also very sensitive. You want to be careful not to push her too early, lest she gloss over some things up front out of fear of scaring you off.

However you tackle these important (and interesting!) topics just know that there’s no fast way to effectively get to know someone.

There’s also no way to know everything about someone before you become seriously involved.

But there is a way to be very intentional about the conversations and lessons that you learn from and about each other.

The post Running Out Of Stuff To Say To Her?: How To Talk To A Lesbian appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

There are only so many lesbian/queer/bi/don’t-label-me individuals in the world. There are only so many such individuals in this country. Only so many of a certain race, ethnicity or religious background. Only so many who are single and looking. Only so many of a certain age range.

Each time we add on a requirement or preference, we narrow down an already narrow pool. 

But this post isn’t about getting you to rethink your preferences.

It’s about the fact that, inevitably, if you are serious about finding that someone, you likely will end up dating someone outside those parameters. It happens when a small pool gets smaller.

One of the biggest hurdles in dating is age.

Is she too young? Is she too old? How old is too young or too old?

Age ain’t nothing but a number, right?

Maybe.

The truth is that, as you get older, your pool narrows. People are paired off. Or jaded. 

I don’t say that to depress you; it’s just a fact.

So you might find yourself tempted by someone a bit younger.

Or maybe you’re young and looking for some stability and you’re thinking (hoping?) that an older woman might be closer to having her ish together.

But do you really have a chance of working out?

That, dear Watson, is a complicated question.

So let’s talk about age difference in lesbian relationships.

You want to think less about numbers and more about experiences.

Where are you in life? Where is she? Are those two places compatible?

There are some 25 year olds who have truly lived and learned and there are 55 year olds who are out here still trying to figure it out.

It might make you uncomfortable if, say, you are in your 40s and you find yourself clicking with a that 25 year old.

You really shouldn’t be. A significant age difference only means you’ve lived through different periods.

It’s more important that you spend time focused on what each of you have learned from living through those periods. 

Some of the lessons taught by the 2000s are different than those of the 1980s. But some of them are the same. The most important ones are the same.

Pam and I are about 9 years apart. Eight years and some change. She did most of her growing up in the 70s and 80s and I in the 80s and 90s. This difference can be seen most when it comes to things like the movies and music that made up our childhoods. 

But we had similar family experiences despite growing up in different time periods. Our college experiences were similar. Our paths into the workforce were different, but when we met, I was in the workforce as was she, but she was also in grad school, which I had recently finished.

Experiences. Not numbers.

Of course, our ages are not so drastically different that we did not have some overlap. We did, and I’m sure that helped bridge the gap.

There will be gaps though, and the greater the age difference, the bigger the gaps. But just because the gaps are big doesn’t mean the bridges don’t exist.

That’s not to say you should jump in dating someone of a significant age difference without some thought, expecting their younger or older age to settle or invigorate you. It’s not that simple. 

Instead, think about the things that you value the most and consider what bridges there may be across your experiences to help close those gaps. That’s the key.

As long as there are bridges across the most important things, then age, indeed, ain’t nothing but a number.

The post Age Differences in Lesbian Relationships: Age Ain’t Nothing but a Number appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Do opposites attract?

The short answer to this is: sometimes.

Lots of people find those who are very different from them new and exciting. They view the world in ways we would never think to do.

They may be into things of which we’ve never even heard. Take us places we’d never thought to go.

That’s exciting!

Being able to see the world through a lens so different from our own can be super refreshing. A break from the same ole.

But is that enough to sustain a relationship?

Research has spoken on the topic a lot. Here’s the general consensus:

Opposites attract. But they don’t stay together for long.

Of course, there are all kinds of “ifs / ands / buts” to go with this.

First, when we say “opposite,” just how “opposite” are we talking? Absolutely nothing in common? Or are just certain things different about her?

Let’s be blunt here: two people who have absolutely nothing in common face a long road if the goal is a long term relationship.

What was initially exciting about her will just add extra work to the relationship that will exhaust both of you as time goes on. Everything will become a struggle. Getting on the same page about anything will be a battle.

Relationships are work, but they shouldn’t be super-hard work. It shouldn’t need heavy-lifting in every corner.

But when you are absolutely nothing alike, that’s what happens. And few people find that endearing in the long term.

If it’s just certain things that you don’t have in common, then our next question is:

What are those things and how important are they to you?

Some differences between two people in a relationship are good and healthy. That extra lens that your other half can give you can be key to growth. New perspectives are good.

However, if the differences are too numerous and (and maybe most importantly), if they are in important areas, that can spell doom for the long term health of your relationship.

For example, if you are a homebody but your girl likes to be out as much as possible, and you really want someone to snuggle with on the couch every night, then this is a difference that may be insurmountable.

If you are talkative and she is more quiet, this could work if she’s ok with you carrying most of the conversation. But if she feels unheard, that’s more troublesome.

Differences can be either problematic or complementary.

When differences are problematic, they create gaps in your relationship in important areas of your life that become difficult to close.
When differences are complementary, you don’t feel as if there are gaps because each of you is made stronger because you have something the other doesn’t.

At the end of the day, it’s about making sure your differences work FOR your relationship and not against it.

But what do you think? Do you think opposites attract? Hit us up and tell us about it!

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