September 8


Age Differences in Lesbian Relationships: Age Ain’t Nothing but a Number

Alright, so we in the lesbian community are a minority of the population.

There are only so many lesbian/queer/bi/don’t-label-me individuals in the world. There are only so many such individuals in this country. Only so many of a certain race, ethnicity or religious background. Only so many who are single and looking. Only so many of a certain age range.

Each time we add on a requirement or preference, we narrow down an already narrow pool. 

But this post isn’t about getting you to rethink your preferences.

It’s about the fact that, inevitably, if you are serious about finding that someone, you likely will end up dating someone outside those parameters. It happens when a small pool gets smaller.

One of the biggest hurdles in dating is age.

Is she too young? Is she too old? How old is too young or too old?

Age ain’t nothing but a number, right?


The truth is that, as you get older, your pool narrows. People are paired off. Or jaded. 

I don’t say that to depress you; it’s just a fact.

So you might find yourself tempted by someone a bit younger.

Or maybe you’re young and looking for some stability and you’re thinking (hoping?) that an older woman might be closer to having her ish together.

But do you really have a chance of working out?

That, dear Watson, is a complicated question.

So let’s talk about age difference in lesbian relationships.

You want to think less about numbers and more about experiences.

Where are you in life? Where is she? Are those two places compatible?

There are some 25 year olds who have truly lived and learned and there are 55 year olds who are out here still trying to figure it out.

It might make you uncomfortable if, say, you are in your 40s and you find yourself clicking with a that 25 year old.

You really shouldn’t be. A significant age difference only means you’ve lived through different periods.

It’s more important that you spend time focused on what each of you have learned from living through those periods. 

Some of the lessons taught by the 2000s are different than those of the 1980s. But some of them are the same. The most important ones are the same.

Pam and I are about 9 years apart. Eight years and some change. She did most of her growing up in the 70s and 80s and I in the 80s and 90s. This difference can be seen most when it comes to things like the movies and music that made up our childhoods. 

But we had similar family experiences despite growing up in different time periods. Our college experiences were similar. Our paths into the workforce were different, but when we met, I was in the workforce as was she, but she was also in grad school, which I had recently finished.

Experiences. Not numbers.

Of course, our ages are not so drastically different that we did not have some overlap. We did, and I’m sure that helped bridge the gap.

There will be gaps though, and the greater the age difference, the bigger the gaps. But just because the gaps are big doesn’t mean the bridges don’t exist.

That’s not to say you should jump in dating someone of a significant age difference without some thought, expecting their younger or older age to settle or invigorate you. It’s not that simple. 

Instead, think about the things that you value the most and consider what bridges there may be across your experiences to help close those gaps. That’s the key.

As long as there are bridges across the most important things, then age, indeed, ain’t nothing but a number.


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