Coming out late in life doesn’t mean that you have to settle.

Actually, that goes for everyone.

Accepting a situation is not the same as settling.

Potato – potatoh, right?

Not really.

One thing we hear a lot from single lesbians as an explanation for why they’re still single is this: 

They’re not willing to settle.

These women understand that the odds might be stacked against them, but they know who they are and what they want and they’re not willing to budge from that.

I’m not telling you to budge from it.

What I want to talk about is the difference between acceptance and settling.

Let’s say you’ve met a pretty amazing woman. She checks off almost all of your boxes. Almost all of them.

Maybe it’s that you really want someone with a college degree and she doesn’t have one. She has a great job, good benefits, but no college degree.

If you decide to pursue a relationship with her anyway, have you settled?

It depends on one thing really: how you feel about that one unchecked box.

If you are really bothered by that unchecked box, then it will be a problem for you. You will feel it in many, many interactions with her. It will nag at you. 

On the other hand, if you are otherwise happy with her, even if it was something that you really wanted – maybe even felt like it was a requirement at one point – then you’re less likely to feel that you settled. 

So it comes down to this:

Settling vs. acceptance is a matter of whether or not you are satisfied with your choice.

If, when you are truly honest with yourself, that unchecked box really bothers you to the point that her other amazing qualities don’t blind you past that one missing thing, then you’ll probably feel like you’ve settled.

If all of the other amazing things about her make that one missing thing maybe not as important as you initially thought it was, then you’ve accepted it, and you don’t feel like you’re missing anything.

So as it is with most things, it’s knowing yourself and being honest with yourself about what you want and need.

In the end, if it bothers you, it bothers you. That’s ok. Everybody isn’t for everybody.

But what I wouldn’t suggest you miss out on is the opportunity to see how you feel about that missing piece. You might be surprised.

You want love. How will you make sure not to settle?

The post Lesbian Relationships: Acceptance vs Settling appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

I dabbled here and there, in relationships with men and with women, but this long educational journey of mine really kept me from investing too much and too long into relationships. I was, instead, a serial monogamist: one short-term (measured in years, not months) but exclusive relationship after another.

Pam was not my first truly long term relationship, and neither was she my first relationship with a woman. But she was the first time those things occurred together. It was a learning curve for me.

So while I would not categorize myself as someone who came out later in life (my first relationship with a woman was when I was 20), I have some understanding of the unique challenge faced by those who do.

As we fall further into the abyss of middle age, Pam and I come across quite a few women who are either newly out to those around them or even newly out to themselves.

Many of these women are in a space where they are both trying to learn about themselves and also learning how to date women AND trying to find women to date.

Whew!

Every year, I host a discussion session on my campus where we talk about lesbian relationships. While there are a lot of things that are consistent across relationships, there are some issues that are unique to women dating women. We discuss many of these things in our blog.

I’m a psychologist. I’m a big proponent of knowing oneself and being honest about what you know about yourself. It pays out big in so many ways. 

Building positive and healthy relationships, both romantic and otherwise, with people who complement you is one of the ways in which knowing yourself pays off in huge ways.

So now you know yourself. You’re learning more and more about dating women.

What about finding her? That’s the part that gets more challenging.

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, as we get older, people are paired off. Pam and I are hard pressed to think of many lesbian single friends. An already small dating pool is made smaller the older you are. That’s just the hard truth.

Here’s another: of the women who are still single (or newly single), probably a disproportionate number of them, are not ideal mates for reasons you’ve probably already experienced, unfortunately.

They have not had successful relationships for reasons that likely became pretty obvious the more you talked to them.

There are a lot of such women swimming in the dating waters at this age.

It can really leave you feeling like either women are a bit nuts or that lesbian dating in general is just a hodgepodge of hopelessness.

I don’t say this to discourage you.

Instead, I say this so that you know that you likely will have to try a little extra hard to find “her.”

You may have to revisit the things that are most important to you and decide what are things that are must-haves and what things are just nice-to-have and adjust your boundaries and expectations accordingly.

I’m not telling you to settle (more on that next week). I’m telling you to consider a comfortable spot where you can still feel satisfied with your choice in partners and not like you are giving up something you really wanted.

There are women out there. There are women out there without horrible relationship track records or traits that make them less-than-ideal partners. But if you open your possibilities and they open theirs, then you’ll be more likely to find each other.

How willing are you to keep an open mind?

The post Lesbians Coming Out Late in Life: The Struggle is Real appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

There are only so many lesbian/queer/bi/don’t-label-me individuals in the world. There are only so many such individuals in this country. Only so many of a certain race, ethnicity or religious background. Only so many who are single and looking. Only so many of a certain age range.

Each time we add on a requirement or preference, we narrow down an already narrow pool. 

But this post isn’t about getting you to rethink your preferences.

It’s about the fact that, inevitably, if you are serious about finding that someone, you likely will end up dating someone outside those parameters. It happens when a small pool gets smaller.

One of the biggest hurdles in dating is age.

Is she too young? Is she too old? How old is too young or too old?

Age ain’t nothing but a number, right?

Maybe.

The truth is that, as you get older, your pool narrows. People are paired off. Or jaded. 

I don’t say that to depress you; it’s just a fact.

So you might find yourself tempted by someone a bit younger.

Or maybe you’re young and looking for some stability and you’re thinking (hoping?) that an older woman might be closer to having her ish together.

But do you really have a chance of working out?

That, dear Watson, is a complicated question.

So let’s talk about age difference in lesbian relationships.

You want to think less about numbers and more about experiences.

Where are you in life? Where is she? Are those two places compatible?

There are some 25 year olds who have truly lived and learned and there are 55 year olds who are out here still trying to figure it out.

It might make you uncomfortable if, say, you are in your 40s and you find yourself clicking with a that 25 year old.

You really shouldn’t be. A significant age difference only means you’ve lived through different periods.

It’s more important that you spend time focused on what each of you have learned from living through those periods. 

Some of the lessons taught by the 2000s are different than those of the 1980s. But some of them are the same. The most important ones are the same.

Pam and I are about 9 years apart. Eight years and some change. She did most of her growing up in the 70s and 80s and I in the 80s and 90s. This difference can be seen most when it comes to things like the movies and music that made up our childhoods. 

But we had similar family experiences despite growing up in different time periods. Our college experiences were similar. Our paths into the workforce were different, but when we met, I was in the workforce as was she, but she was also in grad school, which I had recently finished.

Experiences. Not numbers.

Of course, our ages are not so drastically different that we did not have some overlap. We did, and I’m sure that helped bridge the gap.

There will be gaps though, and the greater the age difference, the bigger the gaps. But just because the gaps are big doesn’t mean the bridges don’t exist.

That’s not to say you should jump in dating someone of a significant age difference without some thought, expecting their younger or older age to settle or invigorate you. It’s not that simple. 

Instead, think about the things that you value the most and consider what bridges there may be across your experiences to help close those gaps. That’s the key.

As long as there are bridges across the most important things, then age, indeed, ain’t nothing but a number.

The post Age Differences in Lesbian Relationships: Age Ain’t Nothing but a Number appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Do opposites attract?

The short answer to this is: sometimes.

Lots of people find those who are very different from them new and exciting. They view the world in ways we would never think to do.

They may be into things of which we’ve never even heard. Take us places we’d never thought to go.

That’s exciting!

Being able to see the world through a lens so different from our own can be super refreshing. A break from the same ole.

But is that enough to sustain a relationship?

Research has spoken on the topic a lot. Here’s the general consensus:

Opposites attract. But they don’t stay together for long.

Of course, there are all kinds of “ifs / ands / buts” to go with this.

First, when we say “opposite,” just how “opposite” are we talking? Absolutely nothing in common? Or are just certain things different about her?

Let’s be blunt here: two people who have absolutely nothing in common face a long road if the goal is a long term relationship.

What was initially exciting about her will just add extra work to the relationship that will exhaust both of you as time goes on. Everything will become a struggle. Getting on the same page about anything will be a battle.

Relationships are work, but they shouldn’t be super-hard work. It shouldn’t need heavy-lifting in every corner.

But when you are absolutely nothing alike, that’s what happens. And few people find that endearing in the long term.

If it’s just certain things that you don’t have in common, then our next question is:

What are those things and how important are they to you?

Some differences between two people in a relationship are good and healthy. That extra lens that your other half can give you can be key to growth. New perspectives are good.

However, if the differences are too numerous and (and maybe most importantly), if they are in important areas, that can spell doom for the long term health of your relationship.

For example, if you are a homebody but your girl likes to be out as much as possible, and you really want someone to snuggle with on the couch every night, then this is a difference that may be insurmountable.

If you are talkative and she is more quiet, this could work if she’s ok with you carrying most of the conversation. But if she feels unheard, that’s more troublesome.

Differences can be either problematic or complementary.

When differences are problematic, they create gaps in your relationship in important areas of your life that become difficult to close.
When differences are complementary, you don’t feel as if there are gaps because each of you is made stronger because you have something the other doesn’t.

At the end of the day, it’s about making sure your differences work FOR your relationship and not against it.

But what do you think? Do you think opposites attract? Hit us up and tell us about it!

The post Do Opposites Attract? appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Make no mistake – just because you’ve had one before doesn’t mean that you were ready for it. And just because you haven’t had one doesn’t mean you aren’t ready.

But what does “ready” look like?

As with so many matters, it really just depends on a lot of things. However, there are some things you should think about to help you think through your readiness.

First, what does this long term relationship look like for you?

Try to envision what your ideal relationship looks like. That’s different for everyone. Consider questions like: 

• Are you both career women who spend your evenings at home? 
• Do you travel a lot together? 
• How much time do you spend together? Apart? 
• Do you have children? 
• What is your financial situation? 

And don’t forget emotional readiness questions like:

• Do you share your most intimate thoughts with your partner?
• Do you openly communicate, even if it makes you uncomfortable?
• Are you willing to sacrifice your own needs (in the moment) for those of your partner?
• Are you confident and comfortable in your own skin?

These are the kinds of questions that help you to get a sense of what you want your long-term relationship to look like.

Second, are you ready right now to play your role in this vision?

If your long-term outlook is financially stable, are you? Do you currently have a life that is ready for child-rearing? What about your career? Is it busy and unpredictable or are you able to have those evening meals with that special someone?

If communication is a super important part of your vision (and it should be!), are YOU ready to do it? If you want a relationship that involves self-sacrifice sometimes, are you ready and willing to make sacrifices?

If you aren’t ready to carry out that vision, then you aren’t ready for that relationship that you desire.

Third, what can you do to get you ready to carry out that vision?

Maybe this involves a change in career or employer. Maybe it’s just about waiting to climb the ladder so you have more flexibility.

Maybe there are some emotional issues from your family or past relationships you need to start working through so that you are comfortable being vulnerable with your partner.

Whatever it is, take stock of the vision of your long-term relationship.

See what parts you are ready to provide.

Make a plan for the things that you are not ready to add to the vision.

In the meantime, keep looking for the one who can help you carry out this vision or keep nurturing your current relationship so that you can both one day live out that vision together.

The post How Do You Know You’re Ready for a Relationship? appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Slowly, we figured out what we really liked. We figured out what we needed. 

We learned that we liked ranches, but not really colonials (which I termed “cheese tray houses,” because of their tendency to have everything roomed off rather than open).

We learned that we liked midcentury ranches specifically.

I learned that cape cod homes make me gag.

We were reminded that we needed a home that was convenient for commuting into New York City, as we both work in Manhattan.

We learned which things were deal breakers (hot tub in the garage?!), and which things were not.

That is, by going to many houses, we learned what we liked, what we needed, what was a turn off and what was tolerable.

So when our friend was telling us about her foray back into dating and the women that she had met – none of whom had turned into anything special – this experience came to mind.

We pointed out – and she had realized a bit too anyway – that, though these women weren’t what she had in mind, she was slowly learning what she liked and needed.

She said she had gone into the process not fully clear on what she wanted, but she was learning.

The moral of my tale is this: not all of the women you meet will work out. Even if you take our sage online dating advice, finding “the one” is a process, and it often takes time and patience.

But every woman that you meet who ISN’T the one still has something very important to teach you about yourself, your desires, and your needs. 

If you see these encounters as opportunities to grow in the process, then they’re never a waste of time.

Oh, yeah. And we found our house. Two-car garage, central air conditioning, midcentury ranch and, of course, around the corner from a commuter bus to New York City

Your turn: what are some things you’ve learned about yourself from relationships that didn’t work out as you had hoped?

The post Do you know what you want? appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

I want to step a little bit away from the relationship stuff today and talk about something else (but which still has relationship relevance because of course it does!)

So, in the last month or so, Pam and I have been venturing out a bit more. This last year and a half has been pure insanity. We’ve been playing it veeeeeeery cautiously.

We had not eaten inside of a restaurant. We were getting groceries delivered, and doing curbside everything that we possibly could. We have not traveled – via plane or otherwise. We have skipped large family gatherings indoors and kept our distance at ones outside. Basically, for the last almost year and a half, we have been in the same physical space with the same 2-3 people. We have been at home.

Not to get into the whole vaccination debate, but we got our vaccines as soon as we were eligible. And then there was the world.

But in the last couple of months, we’ve dined inside (more circumstance than choice) for the first time since early last year. I’m from Missouri and my family visited (vaccinated), and I hadn’t seen some of them in almost 2 years.

We are still very cautious. We still don’t do crowds and certainly not indoors. But we have a vacation planned, which will include taking our first flights since January 2020.

We are getting back out into the world. Safely. Smartly. But we’re doing it.

One of the things that people struggled with in the last year was how to continue dating – safely – during a pandemic. Many people were feeling isolated and needed that sense of normalcy, or even just the connection to others. Others were looking for “HER” and didn’t want to pause it.

Whatever it was, many people wanted to know how to do that safely.

We tried to offer support and ideas for pandemic-safe dating practices. Zoom dates became a thing. Netflix movie parties became a thing. Socially distanced picnics became a thing. People adjusted.

But now as the world slowly opens to a new normal, there’s another adjustment coming. Are you ready?

I am generally not an anxious person. But admittedly, after a year of isolation at home, learning to do my job in a certain way and living in a COVID hotspot, I have some anxiety around getting back into circulation.

It’s hard to shed that feeling that COVID is lurking behind every corner or that everyone you run into could be a health threat.

Are you ready?

Life has to and will move on.

If you’re still looking, there are pretty ladies trying to move on, too.

If you’re not looking, there’s a whole big fancy world out there for you and your love to explore, or for you to explore on your own.

If you’re still not certain, that’s ok, too. Give yourself the space to acknowledge that and know that it’s ok.

When you’re ready, go slowly. 

Here are some ideas for a slow re-entry:

1. Eat outside before dining in. Then go at off-peak hours if you want to try dining in.
2. Meet with your friends in small pods rather than as a large group.
3. Try car trips before flights.
4. Picnics are still sexy as hell. Try one for a date.
5. Speaking of dates, how about a bike ride in the park?
6. All of those digital experiences are still very much possible so mix some of those in too. Virtual paint n sip, anyone?

Throughout, don’t be afraid to acknowledge your fear or discomfort with a situation and to adjust accordingly. 

Our world didn’t change over night, and getting back into it won’t be fast either.

So, tell us – what kinds of things are you getting back into?

The post Are you ready to date after Covid? appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Do you set boundaries in dating?

I’m not talking about activities. Well, maybe I am. Sort of.

What I’m asking is what are your boundaries for first dates?

In a FB group I’m in, someone posted a scenario that went something like this:

Woman asks you out on a first date. The initial plan was for her to treat you to dinner out, but then she tells you that going to dinner might be a strain financially for her and she instead asks you over to her place and she will make dinner.

There’s so much in this scenario. Financial responsibility (presence or lack there of), the appropriateness of going to someone’s house on the first date (assuming you didn’t know her well), expectations for how bills are paid between two people on a date.

The women responding to the post were very varied in their responses, all of them expressing concerns or thoughts about all of these layers.

What about you?

Do you set boundaries in dating?

What are your boundaries for that first date?

Is it ok to go to the home of someone you don’t know well but are hoping to know well? Should you offer to go dutch for the date?

However you would handle it, know one thing:

Good habits form early in a relationship. So do bad ones.

I’m not saying that the fate of the very new relationship hinges on whether you end up in her apartment alone or not.

What I am saying is to just be mindful of the habit and expectations we set up early on.

You won’t always be a stranger in her home.

But you may always end up splitting the check. There’s nothing wrong with that – nothing at all. Just make sure it’s what you’re comfortable with.

She may always prefer to stay in and save a few bucks. She might often be broke. Or she might always be financially responsible.

The message here is simple:

Don’t set up expectations early in a relationship that you will not be able to sustain, and don’t do the same to her.

No, everything doesn’t have to be a red flag. And it’s entirely possible that nothing in the scenario I posed qualifies as a “red flag” for most people.

But just think about what your boundaries are for that first interaction. Figure out the activities with which you are comfortable. Voice them to her. Discuss them. Ask her about her boundaries.

Remember, healthy relationships bloom from healthy beginnings.

The post Lesbian Relationships: What are your boundaries in dating? appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Am I being honest with myself about who I am and what I need and want?

It’s such a simple thing. But it’s really not a lot of times.

I know that I don’t always trust that my feelings about things are valid. I question if I should feel a certain way about a certain thing. Instead, I should take that time and sit in the reality that I do feel that way about that certain thing.

When it comes to finding that certain mate, many people talk themselves out of asking for what they really want and really need.

Or they’ll convince themselves that they do or don’t have particular personality traits.

Let’s say you really enjoy being in social settings. That’s what gives you life. You are hardly ever home.

But you’ve been having a hard time finding a woman who either wants to be out and about with you or is fine with you being out and about.

So instead of continuing the search for that woman, you tell yourself that you don’t like to go out that much, and you could be happy staying home more.

Except you’ve already tried that and it didn’t work because you aren’t ready – and maybe never will be – ready to be a homebody.

Yes, a good woman can help you to see a different side of you that you may never have considered before.

She can encourage change and growth, and you might be happier for it.

But remember that discussion about change?

She can’t change you. Only you can change you. 

So you have to be honest with yourself about whether this is a change that you desire.

The moral of the story is this:

It’s not picky if it’s what you need and want to be happy and to have a healthy relationship.

Just be honest with her and with yourself about it.

Remember, you aren’t for everybody and everybody ain't for you. And that’s ok.

The post You’re being too picky appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

This leads me to the subject of red flags. Our belief that we can change people sometimes leads us to ignore what should be viewed as red flags in the relationship.

But when is something a red flag and when is it just a nuisance that might want to consider getting over?

I wish I could tell you, but there is no list of red flags anywhere.

Yeah, there are things that we should always view as the dangers that they are:

• Violence of any sort
• Lack of demonstration of love or caring
• Dishonesty

There are probably a few more but those are the biggies. If any of these show up in your relationship, it’s time to take some serious action.

What about other things? Things like…

• Lack of ambition
• Messiness
• Disinterest in sharing the responsibility of the relationship equally
• Staying out late
• Never wanting to go out
• Smoking
• Drinking

The answer is that, well, it depends.

There are a couple things to consider when trying to figure out if it’s a real red flag or it’s a nuisance.

First, how frequent is it? Is it

Shorter term behaviors are more tolerable than longer term, as are things that only come up occasionally. Maybe she’s messy because her life is super busy right now and house cleaning just isn’t on top of the list, but will be when things calm down (assuming they’ll calm down). Maybe she only has a glass of wine on the weekends.

Be careful here though. Sometimes things that are promised to be short-term end up being more long-term. So things that may have just been bothersome early in a relationship can enter red flag territory if they don’t improve.

Second, how much does it bother you?

This is probably the most important thing. One person’s flea is another person’s tarantula. What is a mere annoyance for you might be a dealbreaker for someone else.

This one also requires that you are honest with yourself about whether and how much something bothers you.

I will readily admit that I don’t always trust my feelings. I sometimes feel like maybe I’m overblowing something, or that I shouldn’t feel a certain way. But I still have those feelings.

Be honest with yourself about those feelings (and with her, but let’s start with you). Don’t try to convince yourself that you can live with it if you know that you can’t.

If you’d rather she not smoke at all, and it really bothers you, don’t talk yourself out of that feeling. If it bothers you, it bothers you. If you can’t live with it, you can’t live with it. Be ok with that.

Lack of ambition – you want her to always be wanting more, to never be satisfied, but she’s happy with who and what she is right now and has no desire to change that. If that bothers you, it bothers you. Own it. It’s ok.

That’s when something goes from nuisance to red flag.

“But don’t I sound picky when I’m bothered by certain things?” Eh. Maybe. But that’s a discussion for another time – maybe next week

What are some things that are red flags for you?

The post Lesbian Relationships – Learn to Spot those Red Flags appeared first on Pam & Kelly.