The goal that Pam and I have for you reading this is that you learn to build healthy lesbian relationships. We want people to experience successful relationships.

But what is “healthy?” What is a “successful” relationship?

The answer isn’t so cut and dried.

I think we can all agree that any kind of abuse or manipulation, for example, are certainly NOT elements of a healthy relationship that lasts. Healthy relationships that last tend to have similar characteristics – which is what we discuss around these parts.

From there, though, it gets a little hazy.

The truth of the matter is that healthy, successful relationships can look a variety of ways. They have the elements that Pam and I cover in this space, but how that actually looks varies a lot.

For example, healthy relationships are mutually respectful – respectful of each other’s time, of their bodies, of their space, etc. What does “mutual respect” look like?

That’s where you come in.

Only you know what respect looks like to you. It’s up to you to understand it for yourself and then to clearly communicate it to your partner.

Speaking of communication, another element of relationships that last, this, too, depends on you. There are different communication styles and modes (verbal, non-verbal, written, etc.). And there’s also the actual content of the communication.

Again, all up to you to know it and share it.

RELATED:
What Communication is Not?

The most important thing is that both parties (or all – whatever floats your boat) are on the same page and are growing and changing in positive ways.

It sounds like work, doesn’t it?

Well, it is. And it’s work that a lot of people want to avoid. Even after successful relationships that ended for any number of reasons, many women don’t want to take the time to reflect on what worked and what didn’t.

But there are no shortcuts to healthy relationships that last.

You have to be willing to put in the work upfront to know yourself – your needs, your desires, your strengths, and your weaknesses.

You’d be surprised (or maybe not) how few people have taken the time to actually *sit down* and think about these things.

As adults, by middle age, we assume we know these things. We think we know ourselves. That’s a bad assumption and leads us into relationships where we are frustrated when we think our partners are coming up short.

So, if you want this, really want it, you gotta roll up your sleeves.

What does YOUR healthy relationship look like?

The post What is a Healthy Relationship? appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Alright, let’s face it. We’re all adults here.

What’s more important is that most of us reading this are middle-aged adults. You might be a little before middle age or just beyond it, but you either will get there or you have been.

And being middle-aged brings about certain challenges. Most of them happen in the knees.

Others happen in the dating world.

Probably one of the biggest changes that has happened is HOW it happens.

We already talk a lot about online dating here, which is its own wild wild west.

But let’s take two steps beyond that.

You’ve finally met someone that has caught your attention. You start that more intense “getting to know you” phase.

You envision long phone conversations. Walks in the park. Coffee meet ups where you chat forever.

You know, good old-fashioned courtship. 

She envisions brief text exchanges every day.

Yep, that’s where you are with conversations in modern dating.

For you, the exchanges on messenger are just the warm up. For her, they’re the whole darned dating process.

In modern dating, we hear about her – the serial messager – a lot.

Look, you are not wrong (unless you’re the serial messager, in which case you are probably not wholly right). You cannot maintain a relationship that is to grow by exchanging just messages forevermore.

Messaging (and texting) has become a safe space for a lot of people in modern dating, the same way that most things about the internet have.

You can slow down a conversation and take the time you need to give a thoughtful response or to come off the way in which you want to come off. 

You’re less likely to feel the pressure that leads to things coming out in ways that you didn’t intend.

You don’t have to see her face when you say things. She doesn’t get to see yours when she tells you things.

It’s comfortable.

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Running Out Of Stuff To Say To Her?: How To Talk To A Lesbian

Except relationships aren’t always going to be comfortable, especially in the early goings, when some of the hardest conversations have to be had upfront.

So, while it’s nice and warm and cuddly in the messaging world, you can’t message forever.

There is a better approach to conversations in modern dating.

For example, it might be useful to let her know what your expectations are, and to listen to hers. 

If you meet resistance, ask her what her concerns are. Address them. Assure her.

You don’t want to push, but you don’t want to waste months of your life just messaging or texting if you’re ready to move on from that.

You have to find a happy medium that maximizes comfort for both of you. 

You don’t have to hop on Zoom right away. Phone calls afford some degree of protection as well. It’s not an unreasonable expectation that you would want to talk to her at some point in live time.

If she continues to resist, take this as the red flag it’s likely meant to be.

It’s possible that she’s not who she said she was. Or maybe she doesn’t look the way she described or showed via photos.

Maybe she’s looking for a pastime and not an actual relationship, despite claiming just the opposite.

She may just be very socially awkward and interactions are a real challenge for her. You want to be empathetic but consider this: the growth of a relationship depends on the growth of the people in it. If she’s not willing to grow in this way, there’s no way for your relationship to grow in other ways.

Pam and I started slowly – we exchanged a few messages on Match.com. Then a few weeks having long conversations on Yahoo Messenger (ahhh… *waxing nostalgic*). We finally exchanged phone numbers and talked on the phone, and then moved on to Skype. There was a steady, comfortable and thoughtful progression in our interactions.

Solid relationships are about starting with solid foundations. Potential for growth, or lack thereof, is established early on. So if you cannot grow your interactions, consider what other growth challenges you might meet along the way. And decide accordingly.

What role do you think conversations in modern dating have on moving forward with a relationship?

The post Lesbian Online Dating Advice: How to Have Conversations in Modern Dating appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Even baby-lesbians know what U-hauling is, and I’m sure you do too. But just to make sure you’re with me, I’ll briefly explain.

U-hauling refers to the tendency of lesbians to attach very quickly, which leads them to move their relationships along at a faster pace than they probably should, usually moving in together.

You know that old joke: 

“What does a lesbian bring on a second date?”

“A U-haul.”

Yes, this is enough of an issue in the lesbian community that there is a tried and true joke about it.

Except it’s no joke.

This approach to relationships has contributed to an abnormally high rate of divorce in the lesbian community. In fact, our divorce rate is higher than any other couple combination, including heterosexual couples AND gay male couples.

So let’s talk a bit about why U-hauling is such a bad idea. We say that it is all of the time. But why?

Any reasons I can give you all boils down to one critical element: Time. Relationships need time to develop and become their best selves.

Here are three 3 reasons why moving too fast in a relationship is bad for a relationship.

Reason #1: The honeymoon phase.

I call the front end of any relationship the honeymoon phase. Everyone is on their best behavior. Romance is still strong and consistent.

She brings flowers. She sends cute little messages. She’s patient and kind. And funny. You fall in love.

The problem with this is that some of these things are difficult to sustain. 

Life gets in the way.

Work commitments increase. 

Family responsibilities sometimes take over. 

You fall to her back seat more often than you did before. Suddenly the relationship is not what you thought it was.

Suddenly, SHE’S not what you thought she was.

When you hop into a relationship, you don’t give your relationship time to weather these storms. You don’t give yourself time to find out how you (or her!) will withstand them.

And the lesser the amount of time you spend before renting that u-haul, the least likely you are to have given your relationship the time to encounter and deal with the things that life will throw at you.

And you need that time because even the best relationships aren’t always flowers and cute chocolates.

RELATED:
Lesbian Dating: Is that Really the Type of Relationship You Want?

Reason #2: Relationships can only stand so much at one time.

When Pam and I first met, we were living halfway across the country from each other. When we decided to move closer, I didn’t move in with her. I just moved closer.

Why?

Our relationship had been founded on long distance. That’s the way we knew our relationship to operate.

We only saw each other for a certain amount of time. Moving closer to each other was already introducing a new stressor to our relationship. 

Suddenly, we had ready access to each other and with that access came additional expectations. Adjusting to that was enough. We didn’t need the extra stressor of learning to live together under one roof. We let our relationship adjust to the one big change before introducing another.

New relationships are vulnerable. You haven’t weathered enough storms with each other yet for them to sustain a lot of challenges.

So putting more on your new relationship than it’s ready to handle is just a formula for disaster. Take smaller steps as you move towards your forever love. Even the strongest relationships can crumble when too much is asked of them.

Reason #3: There is more to a relationship than just love and feelings.

I know, I know. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But it’s true.

Relationships ain’t all love and kisses. There are day-to-day things that make a relationship work.

You can love anyone. You can’t live with just anyone though.

When you move too quickly, you aren’t making an informed decision about all of the intangibles (and the tangibles) that can make or break a relationship.

Is she a homebody or a social butterfly?

How do you feel about either?

You might think on the surface that you know, but you never know for sure until time has passed while attempting a relationship with her.

Is she neat and tidy or a mess?

How are her spending habits?

How is she when she’s angry?

What’s her family like? Like, what are they REALLY like, once the newness has worn off your relationship? And what does this mean for you?

Time, time, time. Relationships need time. Some age well. Some don’t.

But when you rush into something without all of the information you need, you don’t give yourself much of a fighting chance.

Yes, I’m sure you know a couple that uhauled it and they are still together. We do too.

It’s not smart though. The divorce numbers are what they are for a reason. Don’t risk your potential forever love. It deserves better than that.

If it’s the right relationship, it will continue to be the right relationship for you. But the only way to know this is to be willing step back and to let your relationship blossom in front of you.

The post Lesbian Dating Advice: 3 Reasons Why Moving Too Fast in a Relationship is Bad appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Tip #1: Create new traditions

Sometimes one of the hardest things about getting through a holiday without a loved one can be missing out on traditions or feeling their absence when you keep the tradition.

For some people, keeping a tradition makes them keep the memory of their loved ones close and for others, it just makes them feel the absence more.

All traditions start somewhere.

If you are in the second camp, try creating new traditions. You can go completely away from what you used to do or you can find creative ways to keep your original tradition. Either way, this is a healthy way of coping.

New traditions are also great for single folks or new families/relationships, giving you a chance to create something that is uniquely yours to share with a new love or 3-5 of your best single friends!

Here, feel free to think outside the box, and you don’t have to think too hard.

A couple of years ago, Pam’s parents and mine weren’t available to come to our traditional Christmas meal as usual. Having the parents out of the equation – and their expectation of a more traditional holiday meal – Pam and I decided to make Spanish tapas (our fave), and a new tradition was born. We make our favorite tapas every year now and our families join us.

Tip #2:  Get started early

I know. Lots of people make this plan every year.

If you are “lots of people,” then, this year, actually do it!

A lot of holiday stress is about feeling like you have sooooo much to do at exactly the time when other things demand even more of your time (office holiday party, anyone?).

Start shopping for gifts now. Start planning your meal now. Decorate now, before it becomes yet another thing on a long list of things you have to do. Besides, who doesn’t enjoy a few extra weeks of holiday decor?

Also, use whatever resources you have to get it all done. Have your friends and family fill out their Amazon wishlists. It’ll save you the guessing game and you can just check out.

So many grocery stores offer curbside pick up now; you can start filling your virtual shopping cart now and check out when you’re ready. It might cost a small fee but if you can afford it, the nerves you save might be your own.

Tip #3: Focus on the Important Stuff

Food. Gifts. Decorations.

All of that gets so much of our attention and energy and none of it matters.

Holidays are about friends and family and the moment. If you are a religious person, then the “moment” is also about the religious significance.

When you take the time to really re-frame how you look at the holidays, then it will become a bit easier to deal with that ridiculous relative who always has something to say about you or your choices, or to manage your first holiday without a loved one.

After all, even without them physically there, the moment remains and can still be special to you. You can write a new holiday story in which your missed loved one is simply in it in a different way.

I once watched a movie where a character who couldn’t afford to buy gifts for her children said they “wouldn’t have Christmas.” Well, Christmas comes with or without gifts. You can’t stop it. But you can miss it if you’re focused on the wrong things.

Happy Holiday season!

The post Lesbian Holidays: Here Are 3 Tips To Get Through The Holidays appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

How do you keep it fresh?

There’s no real secret here. But there are things you can do that should help. Here are two keys to keeping it fresh.

Key #1: Try new things together

One way to help you not to grow apart is to make sure that you don’t leave space to grow apart.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you need to do everything together. That works for some couples and is disastrous for others.

But there should be new things that you intentionally choose to experience together.

Pam and I discovered together that we love to travel. We totally just stumbled upon it too.

My friend had invited me to visit her in St. Croix, and I asked my very new girlfriend if she wanted to join me.

There, we had some adventures that we still talk about today.

More importantly, we learned that we wanted to have even more adventures. Together.

It isn’t just traveling. But it is traveling together. Seeing new places, trying new activities, meeting different people. There’s just something about having these new experiences together that keeps us in things to talk about for years to come.

You have to find your “together things.” You want these “together things” to not just be stuff you do together but things that can be mixed up to create new experiences.

Maybe you’re foodies, or want to experience books together, or take dancing lessons. Don’t know what to try? Feel free to try anything. You might be surprised.

Key #2: Keep Growing … separately

Huh? Grow apart? Isn’t that what you want to avoid?

This might sound backwards but stay with me for a second.

Couples are not a two-headed monster. They are two separate people. They have some things in common but each person is a different person (mind blown, right?)

If each partner focuses on growing in her own right, a few pretty wonderful things happen.

First (and probably most importantly), each person grows. They learn. They gain the advantages of that growth. You’ll have that forever.

Second, you are always creating new things, new knowledge and new experiences to share with your partner.

Any and everything is an opportunity for growth. It could be growth in your career or in your hobbies or general interests.
Whatever it is, always look for ways to know more and do more, and if both of you are doing that, your bond will be stronger because of it.

Plus, growth and new experiences are just plain good for you!

The post Lesbian Relationship Advice: How to Not Run Out of Things to Say appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Some start off hard, others will likely hit some bumps along the road.

The longer you’re with someone, the greater the chances that you’ll hit some rough spots. It happens in every relationship. Even if the troubles aren’t directly related to the two of you, there will be some mud in the waters at some point.

Some relationships, too, are harder than others. Some couples spend most of their time sailing smooth seas and others always seem to be in a typhoon.

If all relationships are hard, how hard is too hard? Or is there even such a thing as too hard?

I don’t know if there’s such a thing as too hard. At least, not a hard and fast rule for it, anyway.

Let’s look at a scenario, involving a couple, Janice and Elaine (names have not been changed because I made these people up). Anyhoo….

Janice and Elaine’s relationship started out on the rocks.

Janice had never really had a positive romantic relationship. Her relationships had always involved cheating or general lack of trust. There was always arguing no matter who she was with. Janice also came from a family that lived on the rocks too.

Elaine’s situation wasn’t much different. Her parents didn’t have healthy communication patterns, nor did they typically do the stuff that healthy couples are sure to do, like spend time together.

Instead of Janice and Elaine’s situation, it could be just one person in the relationship with a crapload of “issues.”

So, of course, these relationships are just disasters waiting to happen, right?

Maybe. Maybe not.

What if both of the parties are well aware of their issues and are willing to work through them? Or possibly the less flawed partner has endless patience and is willing to hang with her partner through the constant ups and downs.

Look, let’s be real: that won’t work for everybody.

It wouldn’t work for me. Just the thought of constantly having to fight hard battles – even in a healthy way – makes me very, very tired.

I’m a firm believer in the fact that, yes, relationships are work, but they shouldn’t be HARD work, and certainly not all the time.

But some people are down for the fight. The odds are against them – they aren’t the most well matched pair – but they’re willing to fight for it. Often.

I’m not, but it’s ok if you are.

Here’s the thing though: you have to be down for the fight. REALLY down for the fight.

You have to be ready to roll up your sleeves and do the hard work. All. The. Time.

This might mean regular couple’s therapy, because you’re in constant need of a “tune-up.”

This might mean that even the small stuff – like, who does what house work – can turn into something major. And since life is full of small stuff… You see where I’m going.

Here’s what it comes down to:

How willing are you to put in the work, even if it’s a lot of work?

How long can you sustain putting in that work?

I’m never going to be one to tell people that their relationship is too hard or difficult. That’s not for me to judge.

Instead, I would urge you to think about these:

Are you still happy and satisfied?

Does resolving the problems energize or deteriorate your relationship?

In short, ALL things considered,

Is it all worth it in the end? 

That’s the magic measurement.

The post Lesbian Relationships Can Be Hard appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Coming out late in life doesn’t mean that you have to settle.

Actually, that goes for everyone.

Accepting a situation is not the same as settling.

Potato – potatoh, right?

Not really.

One thing we hear a lot from single lesbians as an explanation for why they’re still single is this: 

They’re not willing to settle.

These women understand that the odds might be stacked against them, but they know who they are and what they want and they’re not willing to budge from that.

I’m not telling you to budge from it.

What I want to talk about is the difference between acceptance and settling.

Let’s say you’ve met a pretty amazing woman. She checks off almost all of your boxes. Almost all of them.

Maybe it’s that you really want someone with a college degree and she doesn’t have one. She has a great job, good benefits, but no college degree.

If you decide to pursue a relationship with her anyway, have you settled?

It depends on one thing really: how you feel about that one unchecked box.

If you are really bothered by that unchecked box, then it will be a problem for you. You will feel it in many, many interactions with her. It will nag at you. 

On the other hand, if you are otherwise happy with her, even if it was something that you really wanted – maybe even felt like it was a requirement at one point – then you’re less likely to feel that you settled. 

So it comes down to this:

Settling vs. acceptance is a matter of whether or not you are satisfied with your choice.

If, when you are truly honest with yourself, that unchecked box really bothers you to the point that her other amazing qualities don’t blind you past that one missing thing, then you’ll probably feel like you’ve settled.

If all of the other amazing things about her make that one missing thing maybe not as important as you initially thought it was, then you’ve accepted it, and you don’t feel like you’re missing anything.

So as it is with most things, it’s knowing yourself and being honest with yourself about what you want and need.

In the end, if it bothers you, it bothers you. That’s ok. Everybody isn’t for everybody.

But what I wouldn’t suggest you miss out on is the opportunity to see how you feel about that missing piece. You might be surprised.

You want love. How will you make sure not to settle?

The post Lesbian Relationships: Acceptance vs Settling appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

I dabbled here and there, in relationships with men and with women, but this long educational journey of mine really kept me from investing too much and too long into relationships. I was, instead, a serial monogamist: one short-term (measured in years, not months) but exclusive relationship after another.

Pam was not my first truly long term relationship, and neither was she my first relationship with a woman. But she was the first time those things occurred together. It was a learning curve for me.

So while I would not categorize myself as someone who came out later in life (my first relationship with a woman was when I was 20), I have some understanding of the unique challenge faced by those who do.

As we fall further into the abyss of middle age, Pam and I come across quite a few women who are either newly out to those around them or even newly out to themselves.

Many of these women are in a space where they are both trying to learn about themselves and also learning how to date women AND trying to find women to date.

Whew!

Every year, I host a discussion session on my campus where we talk about lesbian relationships. While there are a lot of things that are consistent across relationships, there are some issues that are unique to women dating women. We discuss many of these things in our blog.

I’m a psychologist. I’m a big proponent of knowing oneself and being honest about what you know about yourself. It pays out big in so many ways. 

Building positive and healthy relationships, both romantic and otherwise, with people who complement you is one of the ways in which knowing yourself pays off in huge ways.

So now you know yourself. You’re learning more and more about dating women.

What about finding her? That’s the part that gets more challenging.

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, as we get older, people are paired off. Pam and I are hard pressed to think of many lesbian single friends. An already small dating pool is made smaller the older you are. That’s just the hard truth.

Here’s another: of the women who are still single (or newly single), probably a disproportionate number of them, are not ideal mates for reasons you’ve probably already experienced, unfortunately.

They have not had successful relationships for reasons that likely became pretty obvious the more you talked to them.

There are a lot of such women swimming in the dating waters at this age.

It can really leave you feeling like either women are a bit nuts or that lesbian dating in general is just a hodgepodge of hopelessness.

I don’t say this to discourage you.

Instead, I say this so that you know that you likely will have to try a little extra hard to find “her.”

You may have to revisit the things that are most important to you and decide what are things that are must-haves and what things are just nice-to-have and adjust your boundaries and expectations accordingly.

I’m not telling you to settle (more on that next week). I’m telling you to consider a comfortable spot where you can still feel satisfied with your choice in partners and not like you are giving up something you really wanted.

There are women out there. There are women out there without horrible relationship track records or traits that make them less-than-ideal partners. But if you open your possibilities and they open theirs, then you’ll be more likely to find each other.

How willing are you to keep an open mind?

The post Lesbians Coming Out Late in Life: The Struggle is Real appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Then it came: a travel package to Costa Rica that was fully refundable. Fully refundable? That’s my favorite price! (next to free)There was literally no risk.

Let’s do it!

So a couple of weeks ago, we did.

It was a lovely time. Despite it being the rainy season in much of the country, the weather was mostly cooperative and didn’t get in the way of anything we wanted to do. The people were downright hospitable, friendly and helpful.

It was literally a random email that took us on this journey. And we just did it. We took the chance. We booked the trip. We got on the plane.

I tell you all of this not to rehash our vacation with you (though, if you’re interested, keep your eyes out for posts we have about our trip coming up).

I tell you this because this was the vacation that we didn’t know we wanted.

This is about taking advantage of opportunities.

This is about finding something that you didn’t know you wanted or needed because you took advantage of an opportunity that you maybe never even considered before.

There are so many places in our lives where this is relevant.

Maybe a friend has been trying to get you to go on a trip of your own with her and you’ve been making excuses.

Just get on the plane.

Maybe a job posting keeps coming across your inbox and you’ve been itching to try something new.

Just get on the plane.

Maybe there’s a meetup group in your hometown that keeps having interesting events but you’ve too shy to join in the fun by yourself.

Just get on the plane.

Well, just get in your car. Or on the train. Whatever. You know what I’m saying. Just go.

The point is that sometimes, on the other side of opportunity, is that thing we’ve been wanting or needing.

Sometimes that “thing” is a career that rejuvenates you, or maybe it’s the best friend you’ve always wanted but have never been able to find. Sometimes it’s that love. You never know. Get on the plane.

Let me be clear: I’m not telling you to make rash decisions or take uncalculated risks.

But sometimes we spend more time rationalizing why we SHOULDN’T do something instead of why we SHOULD.

Every now and then, let yourself take the deal.

And if it’s a deal to Costa Rica, then we especially highly endorse the decision.

The post Find the Right Woman for You by Finding Something That You Didn’t Know You Needed appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

This group is lesbian focused and the panel was a discussion about relationships, led by Pam and I and another married lesbian couple. 

The audience was fairly mixed between singles and couples and the conversation covered topics such as getting over relationship hurdles, the importance of communication and the general process of maintaining a long-lasting healthy relationship.

One attendant asked how you balance independence and being in a relationship.

My answer was simple and it’s maybe one you’ve heard from us before: Pam and I believe in You, Me, and Us.

That is, we do maintain our own separate identities and interests, and even friends. Although we have a lot in common, there are some things that we do enjoy doing independently and friendships we maintain that are mostly independent of each other. 

And then there is Us. This is the part of our lives that we maintain together. Of course, as a married couple, there are household expenses that we maintain together.

But we also have common friends that we made together. There are shows that we only watch together. We enjoy a good group or family outing as much as anyone, but there’s also time that we set aside for just the two of us.

There’s more to it though.

The thing is that one thing feeds another. 

By growing in our independent lives, we enrich our married life.

One of the biggest concerns people have about long term relationships is how do you keep it fresh? Don’t you run out of stuff to say?

Well, not if you’re always doing something new, or growing in a different way.

Every new life change we experience adds something different and new to our relationship.

Promotion at work? Something new to talk about and navigate.

New project at work or in one of the organizations in which you’re active? Something new to talk about and navigate.

Your friends get into something they’ve never tried before and they tell you about it? Yep, you guessed it. Something new for you and your love to discuss and maybe even try yourself.

As you read this post, Pam and I are on a much needed vacation to Costa Rica, our first trip out of the country since literally weeks before Covid reared its ugly head in a major way.

Traveling is something we grew into together. Before meeting, we’d done some basic trips but the farthest we’d ever really ventured was Canada or Mexico.

But I have a friend who moved to St. Croix and she invited me to come visit (friend having a new experience!)

Pam and I were pretty new in our relationship, but I asked if she’d like to join me and (of course!) she said yes.

That was quite an adventure for both of us and we had experiences that were different than on the mainland U.S. The travel bug had hit us — together.

See, as long as you are each growing and experiencing individually, then you have the opportunity to grow and experience together.

It is possible to grow apart. That’s just real talk. But the fear of that should not keep you from striving to grow.

The real danger is when you stop growing and experiencing because that’s when your relationship will, too.

Have a great one and I (Kelly) hope you get to experience a little (or a lot!) of pura vida, as we are!

The post Lesbian Relationships: How to Balance Independence in Your Relationship appeared first on Pam & Kelly.