Alright, let’s face it. We’re all adults here.

What’s more important is that most of us reading this are middle-aged adults. You might be a little before middle age or just beyond it, but you either will get there or you have been.

And being middle-aged brings about certain challenges. Most of them happen in the knees.

Others happen in the dating world.

Probably one of the biggest changes that has happened is HOW it happens.

We already talk a lot about online dating here, which is its own wild wild west.

But let’s take two steps beyond that.

You’ve finally met someone that has caught your attention. You start that more intense “getting to know you” phase.

You envision long phone conversations. Walks in the park. Coffee meet ups where you chat forever.

You know, good old-fashioned courtship. 

She envisions brief text exchanges every day.

Yep, that’s where you are with conversations in modern dating.

For you, the exchanges on messenger are just the warm up. For her, they’re the whole darned dating process.

In modern dating, we hear about her – the serial messager – a lot.

Look, you are not wrong (unless you’re the serial messager, in which case you are probably not wholly right). You cannot maintain a relationship that is to grow by exchanging just messages forevermore.

Messaging (and texting) has become a safe space for a lot of people in modern dating, the same way that most things about the internet have.

You can slow down a conversation and take the time you need to give a thoughtful response or to come off the way in which you want to come off. 

You’re less likely to feel the pressure that leads to things coming out in ways that you didn’t intend.

You don’t have to see her face when you say things. She doesn’t get to see yours when she tells you things.

It’s comfortable.

RELATED:
Running Out Of Stuff To Say To Her?: How To Talk To A Lesbian

Except relationships aren’t always going to be comfortable, especially in the early goings, when some of the hardest conversations have to be had upfront.

So, while it’s nice and warm and cuddly in the messaging world, you can’t message forever.

There is a better approach to conversations in modern dating.

For example, it might be useful to let her know what your expectations are, and to listen to hers. 

If you meet resistance, ask her what her concerns are. Address them. Assure her.

You don’t want to push, but you don’t want to waste months of your life just messaging or texting if you’re ready to move on from that.

You have to find a happy medium that maximizes comfort for both of you. 

You don’t have to hop on Zoom right away. Phone calls afford some degree of protection as well. It’s not an unreasonable expectation that you would want to talk to her at some point in live time.

If she continues to resist, take this as the red flag it’s likely meant to be.

It’s possible that she’s not who she said she was. Or maybe she doesn’t look the way she described or showed via photos.

Maybe she’s looking for a pastime and not an actual relationship, despite claiming just the opposite.

She may just be very socially awkward and interactions are a real challenge for her. You want to be empathetic but consider this: the growth of a relationship depends on the growth of the people in it. If she’s not willing to grow in this way, there’s no way for your relationship to grow in other ways.

Pam and I started slowly – we exchanged a few messages on Match.com. Then a few weeks having long conversations on Yahoo Messenger (ahhh… *waxing nostalgic*). We finally exchanged phone numbers and talked on the phone, and then moved on to Skype. There was a steady, comfortable and thoughtful progression in our interactions.

Solid relationships are about starting with solid foundations. Potential for growth, or lack thereof, is established early on. So if you cannot grow your interactions, consider what other growth challenges you might meet along the way. And decide accordingly.

What role do you think conversations in modern dating have on moving forward with a relationship?

The post Lesbian Online Dating Advice: How to Have Conversations in Modern Dating appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Even baby-lesbians know what U-hauling is, and I’m sure you do too. But just to make sure you’re with me, I’ll briefly explain.

U-hauling refers to the tendency of lesbians to attach very quickly, which leads them to move their relationships along at a faster pace than they probably should, usually moving in together.

You know that old joke: 

“What does a lesbian bring on a second date?”

“A U-haul.”

Yes, this is enough of an issue in the lesbian community that there is a tried and true joke about it.

Except it’s no joke.

This approach to relationships has contributed to an abnormally high rate of divorce in the lesbian community. In fact, our divorce rate is higher than any other couple combination, including heterosexual couples AND gay male couples.

So let’s talk a bit about why U-hauling is such a bad idea. We say that it is all of the time. But why?

Any reasons I can give you all boils down to one critical element: Time. Relationships need time to develop and become their best selves.

Here are three 3 reasons why moving too fast in a relationship is bad for a relationship.

Reason #1: The honeymoon phase.

I call the front end of any relationship the honeymoon phase. Everyone is on their best behavior. Romance is still strong and consistent.

She brings flowers. She sends cute little messages. She’s patient and kind. And funny. You fall in love.

The problem with this is that some of these things are difficult to sustain. 

Life gets in the way.

Work commitments increase. 

Family responsibilities sometimes take over. 

You fall to her back seat more often than you did before. Suddenly the relationship is not what you thought it was.

Suddenly, SHE’S not what you thought she was.

When you hop into a relationship, you don’t give your relationship time to weather these storms. You don’t give yourself time to find out how you (or her!) will withstand them.

And the lesser the amount of time you spend before renting that u-haul, the least likely you are to have given your relationship the time to encounter and deal with the things that life will throw at you.

And you need that time because even the best relationships aren’t always flowers and cute chocolates.

RELATED:
Lesbian Dating: Is that Really the Type of Relationship You Want?

Reason #2: Relationships can only stand so much at one time.

When Pam and I first met, we were living halfway across the country from each other. When we decided to move closer, I didn’t move in with her. I just moved closer.

Why?

Our relationship had been founded on long distance. That’s the way we knew our relationship to operate.

We only saw each other for a certain amount of time. Moving closer to each other was already introducing a new stressor to our relationship. 

Suddenly, we had ready access to each other and with that access came additional expectations. Adjusting to that was enough. We didn’t need the extra stressor of learning to live together under one roof. We let our relationship adjust to the one big change before introducing another.

New relationships are vulnerable. You haven’t weathered enough storms with each other yet for them to sustain a lot of challenges.

So putting more on your new relationship than it’s ready to handle is just a formula for disaster. Take smaller steps as you move towards your forever love. Even the strongest relationships can crumble when too much is asked of them.

Reason #3: There is more to a relationship than just love and feelings.

I know, I know. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But it’s true.

Relationships ain’t all love and kisses. There are day-to-day things that make a relationship work.

You can love anyone. You can’t live with just anyone though.

When you move too quickly, you aren’t making an informed decision about all of the intangibles (and the tangibles) that can make or break a relationship.

Is she a homebody or a social butterfly?

How do you feel about either?

You might think on the surface that you know, but you never know for sure until time has passed while attempting a relationship with her.

Is she neat and tidy or a mess?

How are her spending habits?

How is she when she’s angry?

What’s her family like? Like, what are they REALLY like, once the newness has worn off your relationship? And what does this mean for you?

Time, time, time. Relationships need time. Some age well. Some don’t.

But when you rush into something without all of the information you need, you don’t give yourself much of a fighting chance.

Yes, I’m sure you know a couple that uhauled it and they are still together. We do too.

It’s not smart though. The divorce numbers are what they are for a reason. Don’t risk your potential forever love. It deserves better than that.

If it’s the right relationship, it will continue to be the right relationship for you. But the only way to know this is to be willing step back and to let your relationship blossom in front of you.

The post Lesbian Dating Advice: 3 Reasons Why Moving Too Fast in a Relationship is Bad appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Tip #1: Create new traditions

Sometimes one of the hardest things about getting through a holiday without a loved one can be missing out on traditions or feeling their absence when you keep the tradition.

For some people, keeping a tradition makes them keep the memory of their loved ones close and for others, it just makes them feel the absence more.

All traditions start somewhere.

If you are in the second camp, try creating new traditions. You can go completely away from what you used to do or you can find creative ways to keep your original tradition. Either way, this is a healthy way of coping.

New traditions are also great for single folks or new families/relationships, giving you a chance to create something that is uniquely yours to share with a new love or 3-5 of your best single friends!

Here, feel free to think outside the box, and you don’t have to think too hard.

A couple of years ago, Pam’s parents and mine weren’t available to come to our traditional Christmas meal as usual. Having the parents out of the equation – and their expectation of a more traditional holiday meal – Pam and I decided to make Spanish tapas (our fave), and a new tradition was born. We make our favorite tapas every year now and our families join us.

Tip #2:  Get started early

I know. Lots of people make this plan every year.

If you are “lots of people,” then, this year, actually do it!

A lot of holiday stress is about feeling like you have sooooo much to do at exactly the time when other things demand even more of your time (office holiday party, anyone?).

Start shopping for gifts now. Start planning your meal now. Decorate now, before it becomes yet another thing on a long list of things you have to do. Besides, who doesn’t enjoy a few extra weeks of holiday decor?

Also, use whatever resources you have to get it all done. Have your friends and family fill out their Amazon wishlists. It’ll save you the guessing game and you can just check out.

So many grocery stores offer curbside pick up now; you can start filling your virtual shopping cart now and check out when you’re ready. It might cost a small fee but if you can afford it, the nerves you save might be your own.

Tip #3: Focus on the Important Stuff

Food. Gifts. Decorations.

All of that gets so much of our attention and energy and none of it matters.

Holidays are about friends and family and the moment. If you are a religious person, then the “moment” is also about the religious significance.

When you take the time to really re-frame how you look at the holidays, then it will become a bit easier to deal with that ridiculous relative who always has something to say about you or your choices, or to manage your first holiday without a loved one.

After all, even without them physically there, the moment remains and can still be special to you. You can write a new holiday story in which your missed loved one is simply in it in a different way.

I once watched a movie where a character who couldn’t afford to buy gifts for her children said they “wouldn’t have Christmas.” Well, Christmas comes with or without gifts. You can’t stop it. But you can miss it if you’re focused on the wrong things.

Happy Holiday season!

The post Lesbian Holidays: Here Are 3 Tips To Get Through The Holidays appeared first on Pam & Kelly.