Alright, let’s face it. We’re all adults here.

What’s more important is that most of us reading this are middle-aged adults. You might be a little before middle age or just beyond it, but you either will get there or you have been.

And being middle-aged brings about certain challenges. Most of them happen in the knees.

Others happen in the dating world.

Probably one of the biggest changes that has happened is HOW it happens.

We already talk a lot about online dating here, which is its own wild wild west.

But let’s take two steps beyond that.

You’ve finally met someone that has caught your attention. You start that more intense “getting to know you” phase.

You envision long phone conversations. Walks in the park. Coffee meet ups where you chat forever.

You know, good old-fashioned courtship. 

She envisions brief text exchanges every day.

Yep, that’s where you are with conversations in modern dating.

For you, the exchanges on messenger are just the warm up. For her, they’re the whole darned dating process.

In modern dating, we hear about her – the serial messager – a lot.

Look, you are not wrong (unless you’re the serial messager, in which case you are probably not wholly right). You cannot maintain a relationship that is to grow by exchanging just messages forevermore.

Messaging (and texting) has become a safe space for a lot of people in modern dating, the same way that most things about the internet have.

You can slow down a conversation and take the time you need to give a thoughtful response or to come off the way in which you want to come off. 

You’re less likely to feel the pressure that leads to things coming out in ways that you didn’t intend.

You don’t have to see her face when you say things. She doesn’t get to see yours when she tells you things.

It’s comfortable.

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Except relationships aren’t always going to be comfortable, especially in the early goings, when some of the hardest conversations have to be had upfront.

So, while it’s nice and warm and cuddly in the messaging world, you can’t message forever.

There is a better approach to conversations in modern dating.

For example, it might be useful to let her know what your expectations are, and to listen to hers. 

If you meet resistance, ask her what her concerns are. Address them. Assure her.

You don’t want to push, but you don’t want to waste months of your life just messaging or texting if you’re ready to move on from that.

You have to find a happy medium that maximizes comfort for both of you. 

You don’t have to hop on Zoom right away. Phone calls afford some degree of protection as well. It’s not an unreasonable expectation that you would want to talk to her at some point in live time.

If she continues to resist, take this as the red flag it’s likely meant to be.

It’s possible that she’s not who she said she was. Or maybe she doesn’t look the way she described or showed via photos.

Maybe she’s looking for a pastime and not an actual relationship, despite claiming just the opposite.

She may just be very socially awkward and interactions are a real challenge for her. You want to be empathetic but consider this: the growth of a relationship depends on the growth of the people in it. If she’s not willing to grow in this way, there’s no way for your relationship to grow in other ways.

Pam and I started slowly – we exchanged a few messages on Match.com. Then a few weeks having long conversations on Yahoo Messenger (ahhh… *waxing nostalgic*). We finally exchanged phone numbers and talked on the phone, and then moved on to Skype. There was a steady, comfortable and thoughtful progression in our interactions.

Solid relationships are about starting with solid foundations. Potential for growth, or lack thereof, is established early on. So if you cannot grow your interactions, consider what other growth challenges you might meet along the way. And decide accordingly.

What role do you think conversations in modern dating have on moving forward with a relationship?

The post Lesbian Online Dating Advice: How to Have Conversations in Modern Dating appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Even baby-lesbians know what U-hauling is, and I’m sure you do too. But just to make sure you’re with me, I’ll briefly explain.

U-hauling refers to the tendency of lesbians to attach very quickly, which leads them to move their relationships along at a faster pace than they probably should, usually moving in together.

You know that old joke: 

“What does a lesbian bring on a second date?”

“A U-haul.”

Yes, this is enough of an issue in the lesbian community that there is a tried and true joke about it.

Except it’s no joke.

This approach to relationships has contributed to an abnormally high rate of divorce in the lesbian community. In fact, our divorce rate is higher than any other couple combination, including heterosexual couples AND gay male couples.

So let’s talk a bit about why U-hauling is such a bad idea. We say that it is all of the time. But why?

Any reasons I can give you all boils down to one critical element: Time. Relationships need time to develop and become their best selves.

Here are three 3 reasons why moving too fast in a relationship is bad for a relationship.

Reason #1: The honeymoon phase.

I call the front end of any relationship the honeymoon phase. Everyone is on their best behavior. Romance is still strong and consistent.

She brings flowers. She sends cute little messages. She’s patient and kind. And funny. You fall in love.

The problem with this is that some of these things are difficult to sustain. 

Life gets in the way.

Work commitments increase. 

Family responsibilities sometimes take over. 

You fall to her back seat more often than you did before. Suddenly the relationship is not what you thought it was.

Suddenly, SHE’S not what you thought she was.

When you hop into a relationship, you don’t give your relationship time to weather these storms. You don’t give yourself time to find out how you (or her!) will withstand them.

And the lesser the amount of time you spend before renting that u-haul, the least likely you are to have given your relationship the time to encounter and deal with the things that life will throw at you.

And you need that time because even the best relationships aren’t always flowers and cute chocolates.

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Lesbian Dating: Is that Really the Type of Relationship You Want?

Reason #2: Relationships can only stand so much at one time.

When Pam and I first met, we were living halfway across the country from each other. When we decided to move closer, I didn’t move in with her. I just moved closer.

Why?

Our relationship had been founded on long distance. That’s the way we knew our relationship to operate.

We only saw each other for a certain amount of time. Moving closer to each other was already introducing a new stressor to our relationship. 

Suddenly, we had ready access to each other and with that access came additional expectations. Adjusting to that was enough. We didn’t need the extra stressor of learning to live together under one roof. We let our relationship adjust to the one big change before introducing another.

New relationships are vulnerable. You haven’t weathered enough storms with each other yet for them to sustain a lot of challenges.

So putting more on your new relationship than it’s ready to handle is just a formula for disaster. Take smaller steps as you move towards your forever love. Even the strongest relationships can crumble when too much is asked of them.

Reason #3: There is more to a relationship than just love and feelings.

I know, I know. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But it’s true.

Relationships ain’t all love and kisses. There are day-to-day things that make a relationship work.

You can love anyone. You can’t live with just anyone though.

When you move too quickly, you aren’t making an informed decision about all of the intangibles (and the tangibles) that can make or break a relationship.

Is she a homebody or a social butterfly?

How do you feel about either?

You might think on the surface that you know, but you never know for sure until time has passed while attempting a relationship with her.

Is she neat and tidy or a mess?

How are her spending habits?

How is she when she’s angry?

What’s her family like? Like, what are they REALLY like, once the newness has worn off your relationship? And what does this mean for you?

Time, time, time. Relationships need time. Some age well. Some don’t.

But when you rush into something without all of the information you need, you don’t give yourself much of a fighting chance.

Yes, I’m sure you know a couple that uhauled it and they are still together. We do too.

It’s not smart though. The divorce numbers are what they are for a reason. Don’t risk your potential forever love. It deserves better than that.

If it’s the right relationship, it will continue to be the right relationship for you. But the only way to know this is to be willing step back and to let your relationship blossom in front of you.

The post Lesbian Dating Advice: 3 Reasons Why Moving Too Fast in a Relationship is Bad appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

What women say that they want.

It’s usually one of two things: either the woman doesn’t know what she wants, or she knows what she wants but isn’t honest about her true intentions.

That first woman is exhausting, especially if you’re clear on what YOU want.

She’s exhausting because she can take you on a rollercoaster ride.

One day, she has one dream for her relationship, and the next day it’s something else.

One day, she seems to be the perfect fit for you, the next day, you don’t seem to want the same things anymore.

To avoid being that woman, take some time to really figure out what it is you want. What kind of relationship? What kind of woman? What does that relationship look like.

And I’m sure you can guess what I’m going to say next but here goes anyway: and be honest with yourself about it.

Which leads me to the next piece: women who know what they want (or who at least believe that they do) but say they want something else.

Maybe you know the drill, and if you’ve had people slide into your DMs (that’s “direct messaging” like Facebook or Instagram messenger, for those who are not in the know), you probably do:

She sends you a message because she saw you in a Facebook group. She claims she’s just looking for friends.

However, her message is a full-on dating profile.

Does she want friends or is she ultimately looking for a relationship? Those things are not mutually exclusive, so she also could be looking for both. 

And that’s the problem.

If you are looking for a friendship that could potentially lead to a relationship, then just say that. Don’t be cute about it. Be honest about it.

When you aren’t, then you end up with the woman who also only wants friends who might then be put off when you try to move things along.

Starting as friends is great (and recommended) but if you are on a journey to a romantic relationship, then you should be on it together. 

Besides, friendship and friendship with the ultimate goal of exploring something romantic are two different animals. The getting-to-know-you phase will likely be different depending on the goal. There are certain things that you don’t need to know about your friends that are important to know about a potential partner.

So just put it out there. Don’t be shy about saying what you want. 

Too often, women shy away from expressing their desires for fear of being viewed as difficult or too aggressive. Let that go. 

Trust me: more women would rather you just be honest.

The post Lesbian Dating: Is that Really the Type of Relationship You Want? appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

This was probably our third trip together (“trip” being measured as one that requires a flight). It was our first international trip together.

Back then, we were really traveling newbies. We’d done a little here or there; almost all domestic. To that point, our “international” travel experience were to Mexico and Canada, and only one time to each.

So, when we planned a trip to St. Martin (St. Maarten if you nasty), we were going to be taking the plunge in the international waters together. This was about 10 years ago.

We thought we had given ourselves enough time — hours, even. But when we arrived to the airport, we were smacked in the face with unsightly long lines at the check in counter.

Remember, this was more than 10 years ago. So there were none of those cute and very useful machines to facilitate the check in process. No adorable little kiosks to scan your passport and print off a bag tag. You had to rock it old school: stand in line and wait.

So wait we did. Our local airport, Newark, is one of three airports serving the NYC metro area. All three are international airports on steroids. This is a very diverse area of the country and while that’s wonderful, what it also means is that any number of people from all over the world are criss-crossing through our airports at any moment in time.

This particular morning, families of 5-6 had luggage piled up higher than any NBA player has ever reached. It was slow going to check in even one family.

Pam and I stood in line, passports ready, our lone bags nearby. And we watched the clock tick.

And it ticked. It was ticking faster than the line was moving.

Long story short(er), we missed our flight.

Thankfully, after a run-in with a few unsympathetic desk clerks, we were able to secure a flight that would get us onto the beach a day later than planned.

So why tell you this story?

I tell you this story because, from that ordeal came a lesson for us (and you!).

Yes, yes. Get to the airport early for international flights. We learned that. We haven’t made the mistake since (with a heavy assist from the Gods of Advanced Technology).

But there was something greater to learn from this.

Pam and I had waited in that long line, saw it inch ever so slowly. We watched the clock. We counted people in line. We tried to guess how much longer.

All of those things were red flags. It was a warning that something wasn’t going well.

But we stood there. And waited. We even tried to rationalize why we shouldn’t do something. Anything.

Further, both of us were very concerned. Both of us felt like we should do something.

But we never said a thing to the other until it was too late. Communication, the hallmark of our relationship, even in the early goings, just fell apart.

So we ignored red flags. We failed to act when we knew something was wrong. And we didn’t communicate.

In the end, we wasted time. We lost out on opportunities that might have existed had we taken action. That’s how it goes when you invest time and energy into the wrong things.

From little daily life events like this come lessons for your relationship. Also, from your relationship come lessons that can help you moving through life.

Make sure your life and your relationship are on the same page and moving in the same direction.

Have there been times where life stuff has taught you something about your relationship or your relationship has taught you something about how to live life?

The post The Signs Are There – Are You Making Excuses? appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

This leads me to the subject of red flags. Our belief that we can change people sometimes leads us to ignore what should be viewed as red flags in the relationship.

But when is something a red flag and when is it just a nuisance that might want to consider getting over?

I wish I could tell you, but there is no list of red flags anywhere.

Yeah, there are things that we should always view as the dangers that they are:

• Violence of any sort
• Lack of demonstration of love or caring
• Dishonesty

There are probably a few more but those are the biggies. If any of these show up in your relationship, it’s time to take some serious action.

What about other things? Things like…

• Lack of ambition
• Messiness
• Disinterest in sharing the responsibility of the relationship equally
• Staying out late
• Never wanting to go out
• Smoking
• Drinking

The answer is that, well, it depends.

There are a couple things to consider when trying to figure out if it’s a real red flag or it’s a nuisance.

First, how frequent is it? Is it

Shorter term behaviors are more tolerable than longer term, as are things that only come up occasionally. Maybe she’s messy because her life is super busy right now and house cleaning just isn’t on top of the list, but will be when things calm down (assuming they’ll calm down). Maybe she only has a glass of wine on the weekends.

Be careful here though. Sometimes things that are promised to be short-term end up being more long-term. So things that may have just been bothersome early in a relationship can enter red flag territory if they don’t improve.

Second, how much does it bother you?

This is probably the most important thing. One person’s flea is another person’s tarantula. What is a mere annoyance for you might be a dealbreaker for someone else.

This one also requires that you are honest with yourself about whether and how much something bothers you.

I will readily admit that I don’t always trust my feelings. I sometimes feel like maybe I’m overblowing something, or that I shouldn’t feel a certain way. But I still have those feelings.

Be honest with yourself about those feelings (and with her, but let’s start with you). Don’t try to convince yourself that you can live with it if you know that you can’t.

If you’d rather she not smoke at all, and it really bothers you, don’t talk yourself out of that feeling. If it bothers you, it bothers you. If you can’t live with it, you can’t live with it. Be ok with that.

Lack of ambition – you want her to always be wanting more, to never be satisfied, but she’s happy with who and what she is right now and has no desire to change that. If that bothers you, it bothers you. Own it. It’s ok.

That’s when something goes from nuisance to red flag.

“But don’t I sound picky when I’m bothered by certain things?” Eh. Maybe. But that’s a discussion for another time – maybe next week

What are some things that are red flags for you?

The post Lesbian Relationships – Learn to Spot those Red Flags appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

This is one of those things. It’s just double when it comes to us.

The conversation was about how to know the difference between when something was a red flag and when something was just a little thing that you have to learn to live with.

This conversation struck a chord with me because when Pam and I talk to lesbians about their dating issues, one of the mistakes women mention most often is ignoring red flags.

But that’s not exactly what I want to talk about. We’ll save the conversation about red flags for next week.

Right now, I want to talk about something that plagues too many women, straight or lesbian or in the spaces in between:

Why do we think that we can change people?

It goes something like this: you meet a woman that you really like. You like (maybe even LOVE) most things about her. But there’s maybe something she does that you don’t like, or that she doesn’t do at all that you would really like her to do. If she did these things, then you’d REALLY like her and things would be pretty perfect.

So you tell yourself, “Shoot. I’ll fix that.”

Hear this: you cannot build your perfect mate. And this is especially true the older we get.

That woman has lived a long life before she met you. Maybe she is happy with that life, maybe she isn’t. But she has known many people before she met you. If any of them could change her, then she’d be changed.

Only she can change herself.

Maybe you want her to be a homebody and she’s used to be out on the social scene. You can make suggestions. You can even entice her to stay home. But unless she wants to stay home, you will not convert her.

Sometimes you get what I’ll call a “false positive.” That is, she shows signs of changing. She stays home more. She dresses more femme or butch. Whatever it is you’re wanting to change, she does it.

But can or will she sustain it?

If this is not the change SHE wants, then she will grow resentful of you, and no relationship can be sustained on resentment.

Find the woman who is already what you want and need.

It’s ok if she’s less than perfect. We all will be.

But decide what you can and cannot live without. If that *thing* that you hope to instill down the road is super important to you, then this is probably not the relationship for you.

That’s when that lack or presence of that *thing* becomes a red flag for you. Heed it.

So many lesbians love a good home improvement project.

Your mate is not to be one of those projects.

The post Lesbian Relationships – Do You Know What a Red Flag Is? appeared first on Pam & Kelly.