Even baby-lesbians know what U-hauling is, and I’m sure you do too. But just to make sure you’re with me, I’ll briefly explain.

U-hauling refers to the tendency of lesbians to attach very quickly, which leads them to move their relationships along at a faster pace than they probably should, usually moving in together.

You know that old joke: 

“What does a lesbian bring on a second date?”

“A U-haul.”

Yes, this is enough of an issue in the lesbian community that there is a tried and true joke about it.

Except it’s no joke.

This approach to relationships has contributed to an abnormally high rate of divorce in the lesbian community. In fact, our divorce rate is higher than any other couple combination, including heterosexual couples AND gay male couples.

So let’s talk a bit about why U-hauling is such a bad idea. We say that it is all of the time. But why?

Any reasons I can give you all boils down to one critical element: Time. Relationships need time to develop and become their best selves.

Here are three 3 reasons why moving too fast in a relationship is bad for a relationship.

Reason #1: The honeymoon phase.

I call the front end of any relationship the honeymoon phase. Everyone is on their best behavior. Romance is still strong and consistent.

She brings flowers. She sends cute little messages. She’s patient and kind. And funny. You fall in love.

The problem with this is that some of these things are difficult to sustain. 

Life gets in the way.

Work commitments increase. 

Family responsibilities sometimes take over. 

You fall to her back seat more often than you did before. Suddenly the relationship is not what you thought it was.

Suddenly, SHE’S not what you thought she was.

When you hop into a relationship, you don’t give your relationship time to weather these storms. You don’t give yourself time to find out how you (or her!) will withstand them.

And the lesser the amount of time you spend before renting that u-haul, the least likely you are to have given your relationship the time to encounter and deal with the things that life will throw at you.

And you need that time because even the best relationships aren’t always flowers and cute chocolates.

RELATED:
Lesbian Dating: Is that Really the Type of Relationship You Want?

Reason #2: Relationships can only stand so much at one time.

When Pam and I first met, we were living halfway across the country from each other. When we decided to move closer, I didn’t move in with her. I just moved closer.

Why?

Our relationship had been founded on long distance. That’s the way we knew our relationship to operate.

We only saw each other for a certain amount of time. Moving closer to each other was already introducing a new stressor to our relationship. 

Suddenly, we had ready access to each other and with that access came additional expectations. Adjusting to that was enough. We didn’t need the extra stressor of learning to live together under one roof. We let our relationship adjust to the one big change before introducing another.

New relationships are vulnerable. You haven’t weathered enough storms with each other yet for them to sustain a lot of challenges.

So putting more on your new relationship than it’s ready to handle is just a formula for disaster. Take smaller steps as you move towards your forever love. Even the strongest relationships can crumble when too much is asked of them.

Reason #3: There is more to a relationship than just love and feelings.

I know, I know. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But it’s true.

Relationships ain’t all love and kisses. There are day-to-day things that make a relationship work.

You can love anyone. You can’t live with just anyone though.

When you move too quickly, you aren’t making an informed decision about all of the intangibles (and the tangibles) that can make or break a relationship.

Is she a homebody or a social butterfly?

How do you feel about either?

You might think on the surface that you know, but you never know for sure until time has passed while attempting a relationship with her.

Is she neat and tidy or a mess?

How are her spending habits?

How is she when she’s angry?

What’s her family like? Like, what are they REALLY like, once the newness has worn off your relationship? And what does this mean for you?

Time, time, time. Relationships need time. Some age well. Some don’t.

But when you rush into something without all of the information you need, you don’t give yourself much of a fighting chance.

Yes, I’m sure you know a couple that uhauled it and they are still together. We do too.

It’s not smart though. The divorce numbers are what they are for a reason. Don’t risk your potential forever love. It deserves better than that.

If it’s the right relationship, it will continue to be the right relationship for you. But the only way to know this is to be willing step back and to let your relationship blossom in front of you.

The post Lesbian Dating Advice: 3 Reasons Why Moving Too Fast in a Relationship is Bad appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Tip #1: Create new traditions

Sometimes one of the hardest things about getting through a holiday without a loved one can be missing out on traditions or feeling their absence when you keep the tradition.

For some people, keeping a tradition makes them keep the memory of their loved ones close and for others, it just makes them feel the absence more.

All traditions start somewhere.

If you are in the second camp, try creating new traditions. You can go completely away from what you used to do or you can find creative ways to keep your original tradition. Either way, this is a healthy way of coping.

New traditions are also great for single folks or new families/relationships, giving you a chance to create something that is uniquely yours to share with a new love or 3-5 of your best single friends!

Here, feel free to think outside the box, and you don’t have to think too hard.

A couple of years ago, Pam’s parents and mine weren’t available to come to our traditional Christmas meal as usual. Having the parents out of the equation – and their expectation of a more traditional holiday meal – Pam and I decided to make Spanish tapas (our fave), and a new tradition was born. We make our favorite tapas every year now and our families join us.

Tip #2:  Get started early

I know. Lots of people make this plan every year.

If you are “lots of people,” then, this year, actually do it!

A lot of holiday stress is about feeling like you have sooooo much to do at exactly the time when other things demand even more of your time (office holiday party, anyone?).

Start shopping for gifts now. Start planning your meal now. Decorate now, before it becomes yet another thing on a long list of things you have to do. Besides, who doesn’t enjoy a few extra weeks of holiday decor?

Also, use whatever resources you have to get it all done. Have your friends and family fill out their Amazon wishlists. It’ll save you the guessing game and you can just check out.

So many grocery stores offer curbside pick up now; you can start filling your virtual shopping cart now and check out when you’re ready. It might cost a small fee but if you can afford it, the nerves you save might be your own.

Tip #3: Focus on the Important Stuff

Food. Gifts. Decorations.

All of that gets so much of our attention and energy and none of it matters.

Holidays are about friends and family and the moment. If you are a religious person, then the “moment” is also about the religious significance.

When you take the time to really re-frame how you look at the holidays, then it will become a bit easier to deal with that ridiculous relative who always has something to say about you or your choices, or to manage your first holiday without a loved one.

After all, even without them physically there, the moment remains and can still be special to you. You can write a new holiday story in which your missed loved one is simply in it in a different way.

I once watched a movie where a character who couldn’t afford to buy gifts for her children said they “wouldn’t have Christmas.” Well, Christmas comes with or without gifts. You can’t stop it. But you can miss it if you’re focused on the wrong things.

Happy Holiday season!

The post Lesbian Holidays: Here Are 3 Tips To Get Through The Holidays appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

How do you keep it fresh?

There’s no real secret here. But there are things you can do that should help. Here are two keys to keeping it fresh.

Key #1: Try new things together

One way to help you not to grow apart is to make sure that you don’t leave space to grow apart.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you need to do everything together. That works for some couples and is disastrous for others.

But there should be new things that you intentionally choose to experience together.

Pam and I discovered together that we love to travel. We totally just stumbled upon it too.

My friend had invited me to visit her in St. Croix, and I asked my very new girlfriend if she wanted to join me.

There, we had some adventures that we still talk about today.

More importantly, we learned that we wanted to have even more adventures. Together.

It isn’t just traveling. But it is traveling together. Seeing new places, trying new activities, meeting different people. There’s just something about having these new experiences together that keeps us in things to talk about for years to come.

You have to find your “together things.” You want these “together things” to not just be stuff you do together but things that can be mixed up to create new experiences.

Maybe you’re foodies, or want to experience books together, or take dancing lessons. Don’t know what to try? Feel free to try anything. You might be surprised.

Key #2: Keep Growing … separately

Huh? Grow apart? Isn’t that what you want to avoid?

This might sound backwards but stay with me for a second.

Couples are not a two-headed monster. They are two separate people. They have some things in common but each person is a different person (mind blown, right?)

If each partner focuses on growing in her own right, a few pretty wonderful things happen.

First (and probably most importantly), each person grows. They learn. They gain the advantages of that growth. You’ll have that forever.

Second, you are always creating new things, new knowledge and new experiences to share with your partner.

Any and everything is an opportunity for growth. It could be growth in your career or in your hobbies or general interests.
Whatever it is, always look for ways to know more and do more, and if both of you are doing that, your bond will be stronger because of it.

Plus, growth and new experiences are just plain good for you!

The post Lesbian Relationship Advice: How to Not Run Out of Things to Say appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Some start off hard, others will likely hit some bumps along the road.

The longer you’re with someone, the greater the chances that you’ll hit some rough spots. It happens in every relationship. Even if the troubles aren’t directly related to the two of you, there will be some mud in the waters at some point.

Some relationships, too, are harder than others. Some couples spend most of their time sailing smooth seas and others always seem to be in a typhoon.

If all relationships are hard, how hard is too hard? Or is there even such a thing as too hard?

I don’t know if there’s such a thing as too hard. At least, not a hard and fast rule for it, anyway.

Let’s look at a scenario, involving a couple, Janice and Elaine (names have not been changed because I made these people up). Anyhoo….

Janice and Elaine’s relationship started out on the rocks.

Janice had never really had a positive romantic relationship. Her relationships had always involved cheating or general lack of trust. There was always arguing no matter who she was with. Janice also came from a family that lived on the rocks too.

Elaine’s situation wasn’t much different. Her parents didn’t have healthy communication patterns, nor did they typically do the stuff that healthy couples are sure to do, like spend time together.

Instead of Janice and Elaine’s situation, it could be just one person in the relationship with a crapload of “issues.”

So, of course, these relationships are just disasters waiting to happen, right?

Maybe. Maybe not.

What if both of the parties are well aware of their issues and are willing to work through them? Or possibly the less flawed partner has endless patience and is willing to hang with her partner through the constant ups and downs.

Look, let’s be real: that won’t work for everybody.

It wouldn’t work for me. Just the thought of constantly having to fight hard battles – even in a healthy way – makes me very, very tired.

I’m a firm believer in the fact that, yes, relationships are work, but they shouldn’t be HARD work, and certainly not all the time.

But some people are down for the fight. The odds are against them – they aren’t the most well matched pair – but they’re willing to fight for it. Often.

I’m not, but it’s ok if you are.

Here’s the thing though: you have to be down for the fight. REALLY down for the fight.

You have to be ready to roll up your sleeves and do the hard work. All. The. Time.

This might mean regular couple’s therapy, because you’re in constant need of a “tune-up.”

This might mean that even the small stuff – like, who does what house work – can turn into something major. And since life is full of small stuff… You see where I’m going.

Here’s what it comes down to:

How willing are you to put in the work, even if it’s a lot of work?

How long can you sustain putting in that work?

I’m never going to be one to tell people that their relationship is too hard or difficult. That’s not for me to judge.

Instead, I would urge you to think about these:

Are you still happy and satisfied?

Does resolving the problems energize or deteriorate your relationship?

In short, ALL things considered,

Is it all worth it in the end? 

That’s the magic measurement.

The post Lesbian Relationships Can Be Hard appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Then it came: a travel package to Costa Rica that was fully refundable. Fully refundable? That’s my favorite price! (next to free)There was literally no risk.

Let’s do it!

So a couple of weeks ago, we did.

It was a lovely time. Despite it being the rainy season in much of the country, the weather was mostly cooperative and didn’t get in the way of anything we wanted to do. The people were downright hospitable, friendly and helpful.

It was literally a random email that took us on this journey. And we just did it. We took the chance. We booked the trip. We got on the plane.

I tell you all of this not to rehash our vacation with you (though, if you’re interested, keep your eyes out for posts we have about our trip coming up).

I tell you this because this was the vacation that we didn’t know we wanted.

This is about taking advantage of opportunities.

This is about finding something that you didn’t know you wanted or needed because you took advantage of an opportunity that you maybe never even considered before.

There are so many places in our lives where this is relevant.

Maybe a friend has been trying to get you to go on a trip of your own with her and you’ve been making excuses.

Just get on the plane.

Maybe a job posting keeps coming across your inbox and you’ve been itching to try something new.

Just get on the plane.

Maybe there’s a meetup group in your hometown that keeps having interesting events but you’ve too shy to join in the fun by yourself.

Just get on the plane.

Well, just get in your car. Or on the train. Whatever. You know what I’m saying. Just go.

The point is that sometimes, on the other side of opportunity, is that thing we’ve been wanting or needing.

Sometimes that “thing” is a career that rejuvenates you, or maybe it’s the best friend you’ve always wanted but have never been able to find. Sometimes it’s that love. You never know. Get on the plane.

Let me be clear: I’m not telling you to make rash decisions or take uncalculated risks.

But sometimes we spend more time rationalizing why we SHOULDN’T do something instead of why we SHOULD.

Every now and then, let yourself take the deal.

And if it’s a deal to Costa Rica, then we especially highly endorse the decision.

The post Find the Right Woman for You by Finding Something That You Didn’t Know You Needed appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

This group is lesbian focused and the panel was a discussion about relationships, led by Pam and I and another married lesbian couple. 

The audience was fairly mixed between singles and couples and the conversation covered topics such as getting over relationship hurdles, the importance of communication and the general process of maintaining a long-lasting healthy relationship.

One attendant asked how you balance independence and being in a relationship.

My answer was simple and it’s maybe one you’ve heard from us before: Pam and I believe in You, Me, and Us.

That is, we do maintain our own separate identities and interests, and even friends. Although we have a lot in common, there are some things that we do enjoy doing independently and friendships we maintain that are mostly independent of each other. 

And then there is Us. This is the part of our lives that we maintain together. Of course, as a married couple, there are household expenses that we maintain together.

But we also have common friends that we made together. There are shows that we only watch together. We enjoy a good group or family outing as much as anyone, but there’s also time that we set aside for just the two of us.

There’s more to it though.

The thing is that one thing feeds another. 

By growing in our independent lives, we enrich our married life.

One of the biggest concerns people have about long term relationships is how do you keep it fresh? Don’t you run out of stuff to say?

Well, not if you’re always doing something new, or growing in a different way.

Every new life change we experience adds something different and new to our relationship.

Promotion at work? Something new to talk about and navigate.

New project at work or in one of the organizations in which you’re active? Something new to talk about and navigate.

Your friends get into something they’ve never tried before and they tell you about it? Yep, you guessed it. Something new for you and your love to discuss and maybe even try yourself.

As you read this post, Pam and I are on a much needed vacation to Costa Rica, our first trip out of the country since literally weeks before Covid reared its ugly head in a major way.

Traveling is something we grew into together. Before meeting, we’d done some basic trips but the farthest we’d ever really ventured was Canada or Mexico.

But I have a friend who moved to St. Croix and she invited me to come visit (friend having a new experience!)

Pam and I were pretty new in our relationship, but I asked if she’d like to join me and (of course!) she said yes.

That was quite an adventure for both of us and we had experiences that were different than on the mainland U.S. The travel bug had hit us — together.

See, as long as you are each growing and experiencing individually, then you have the opportunity to grow and experience together.

It is possible to grow apart. That’s just real talk. But the fear of that should not keep you from striving to grow.

The real danger is when you stop growing and experiencing because that’s when your relationship will, too.

Have a great one and I (Kelly) hope you get to experience a little (or a lot!) of pura vida, as we are!

The post Lesbian Relationships: How to Balance Independence in Your Relationship appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

What do I mean?

If you don’t already know, Pam and I met on match.com. We were living half of a country away – I was in Texas and she was in New Jersey. Neither of us was particularly movable at the moment (which is a good thing), so our relationship was formed with 1000+ miles of distance between us.

Our long distance relationship meant several things.

Obviously, it meant that we didn’t get to see each other as often as we would have liked. Life and careers dictated that we maybe saw each other every couple of months and loaded up during the summers.

But it also meant that, except for the time we set aside for each other, our lives progressed as they would, independent of each other.

We didn’t have to think about whether we should come straight home from work.

Dinner time? Choose whatever you want.

Clean your house whenever you felt like it. 

Run around butt-naked, dripping wine all over? Go for it.

So while we were present in each other’s daily lives, there were plenty of spaces where we just weren’t physically present.

We existed like that for two years. That’s a long time. That’s long enough to solidify a pattern in a relationship.

When it came time for me to move to New Jersey, we knew one thing: we didn’t want to move in with each other.

Sounds crazy, right? After all, we’d been living apart for 2 years!

But that was exactly it: we had been living apart for 2 years. Our relationship had formed around a significant amount of distance between us.

Now that we would be much closer, our relationship was at a transitional point.

We needed time to learn how to be physically present in each other’s daily lives.

I moved to the same town but in my own apartment and lived there for a year. No, I didn’t just pay rent there either. I lived in my own space. Sure, we spent our weekends together, testing the waters, learning how to live with each other without pressure.

There are other transitional points that happen over the lifetime of a relationship. 

Perhaps you’re with someone and you both decide you want to have a child. Children, as wonderful as they can be, can put a strain on a relationship, especially if the relationship or marriage is new.

Maybe one of you quits her job for any number of reasons, leaving the other to be the primary breadwinner. That’s not just a potential financial strain, but this new “thing,” this new way of being can stress your relationship too. Think about ways you can ease into this new phase.

Identifying those transitional points in your relationship and adjusting to them is so critical. Give yourself time to learn to be a new “you” in your relationship.

What are some transitional points you have encountered in your relationships and how did you handle them? Contact us to let us know or leave a comment.

The post How to Handle Changes in Your Relationship appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

That’s one word I can use to describe my dad. 

Boy, that man could talk. 

He could spend hours on the phone talking.

No sooner than he hung up with one person, he’d pick up the phone, dial it, and chat it up with someone else. 

You could be a complete stranger and he’d engage in a conversation. 

Case and point. 

We, my mom and I, helped my sister move into her dorm at NYU her freshman year of college. 

Where was my dad?

He was doing two things. 

One was “watching the car.” 

The other was talking to other “watching the car” parents moving their kids into the dorm. 

On the ride back home my dad told my mom and I all about the families of people he struck up a conversation with as we were going in and out of the dorm with my sister’s stuff.

For one family, he had practically learned their family tree. Dad was big on genealogy. 

As you can see, talking is something my dad loved to do. 

He, however, was a terrible communicator. 

Rather than confer with my mother on important matters he just did them. 

Instead of letting my mother know well in advance about plans, he’d give her short notice. 

Another thing about his poor communication skills is something that’s akin to not just lesbian women, but women in general. 

He didn’t communicate as a way to avoid confrontation. 

Does that sound familiar?

I don’t know if he ever avoided communicating because he didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but some women are big on that too. 

Being a talker, but not communicating, especially on important topics, is proof that loving to talk and communication are not the same. 

My dad said several times, especially in his older years, “I don’t like to argue. I don’t like confrontation.”

So instead of communicating, he said nothing. At times he’d go as far as avoiding people for days. 

That included church folk. My dad practically lived at the church. 

So when he didn’t attend a church conference or deacon meeting or church board meeting, we knew someone had made him upset and he was avoiding much needed conversations. 

The man who loved to talk didn’t know how to communicate. 

And I knew that not just about my dad, but also about my mom. 

Sadly, my mom fell in-line with the patriarchy. 

As a collective, my parents' relationship communication style was abysmal. 

To the day my dad passed away, communication between my parents’ was horrible and it was affecting me. 

All I wanted was for them to communicate better.

Observing my parents’ relationship is one of the reasons why I was determined my next relationship (which is with Kelly) was going to be built on the foundation of good communication.

I was (and am) living what good communication looked like. I wanted that for them. Heck, I want that for you too. 

I’m not a big talker like my dad, but I do communicate, even when those conversations are uncomfortable. 

Thankfully for us, because we communicate so well, Kelly and I don’t have too many uncomfortable conversations. 

Our relationship is happy, healthy, and as of this writing 12 years strong.

Do you want a healthy and lasting relationship?

Make communication a priority.

If you pride yourself on being a talker, make sure to not confuse your love for talking as loving communication. 

Those are not the same. 

Talking is a component of communication, it’s not communicating. 

Loving to talk, but avoiding hurting someone's feelings, or not wanting someone to hurt your feelings, is not communicating. 

And if you’re looking for someone and she tells you she loves to talk, know whether or not you like a talker, but also pay attention to whether or not she knows how to communicate.

The post What Communication is Not? appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Rather, what usually sticks out to me are certain quotes from the film.

This is the case with the movie The Money Pit. Remember that one?!

In case you don’t, it starred Tom Hanks and Shelley Long (like, where is Shelley Long these days?). Long story short, a couple buys a dream home at a discount price and then everything – and I mean EVERYTHING – falls apart, including their marriage.

In the end the house gets fixed and is as beautiful as they had hoped. The soon-to-be ex-couple is standing at the now grand staircase with one of the contractors, who remarks, “I didn’t think we were going to pull it off. But the foundation was good. And if the foundation is good, then everything else can be fixed.”

You can guess where they go with that one.

We talk a lot in this space about setting up a solid foundation for your relationship. We discourage the u-haul. And that’s because building a solid foundation is soooooo important.

It’s not based on things that will come and go like finances, or parenting responsibilities, careers, having things in common or even sex (gasp!).

A good foundation is built upon things like openness and trust and honesty and sensitivity and awareness and hard work. And of course, love.

If those are in place, all of those other things can be fixed when they go wrong.

A few weeks ago, I wrote to you about spotting red flags. In that post, I mentioned that there’s a thin line between a nuisance and a red flag.

You know what the real red flags are?

The lack of the elements that make a strong foundation.

The presence of these elements is the difference between, for example, one partner’s nudging the other to be her best self being seen as something to be resented vs. as an opportunity for growth.

It’s always in the perception. And the presence of the elements of a good foundation gets you that much closer building the relationship that you want and need and deserve.

Cheers! 

And go watch The Money Pit, even if you’ve already seen it.

The post Crumbling Foundation appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

But we do take risks. We just take calculated risks.

So this risk I took was probably the biggest one I’d taken to that point in my life.

The biggest risk I took was when I quit my job in Texas and moved all the way to New Jersey to be with a woman whom I had known for just two years.

I chose to get out of my comfort zone, where I’d decided to set up shop, maybe for the rest of my life.

I decided to take the risk because love that is a true fit for you doesn’t come around as often as we’d like it to.

That’s not to say that I wasn’t worried though.

I was actually really scared about what this meant for my career. It was an entirely new part of the country. Being a midwestern girl, I was worried that I wouldn’t fit in.

I don’t make friends easily, so I was apprehensive about leaving my social network behind.

So what happened after I took the risk?

Well, one of them you know. Pam and I were married two years later.

But a few other things happened after I took this risk too.

I discovered a career path that I would never have considered before.
I learned pretty quickly how to build new social networks.
Being exposed to new people gave me new interests – like traveling the world

Because I took a chance and left my established personal and professional life, I discovered how making a change in one part of your life – even if it feels like you’re diminishing some part of it – can actually make everything that much better.

I shared this with you because I wanted you to know that building a new relationship isn’t always going to be flowers and sangria. It can require that you step out on a limb and take chances that you never thought you’d take. But if it’s the right one, it’s always worth it!

The same goes for you in your search for the relationship that you’ve always desired.

We started out halfway across the country from each other, and today we have a marriage that we value and that we work at every day. And sometimes to get to this side, you may have to take a risk – even if just a calculated one.

What about you?

Are there risks that you’re thinking about taking to help you in your quest to find that special woman? If not, what's holding you back. Let us know.

The post Relationships Are Risky: That’s OK appeared first on Pam & Kelly.