Alright, let’s face it. We’re all adults here.

What’s more important is that most of us reading this are middle-aged adults. You might be a little before middle age or just beyond it, but you either will get there or you have been.

And being middle-aged brings about certain challenges. Most of them happen in the knees.

Others happen in the dating world.

Probably one of the biggest changes that has happened is HOW it happens.

We already talk a lot about online dating here, which is its own wild wild west.

But let’s take two steps beyond that.

You’ve finally met someone that has caught your attention. You start that more intense “getting to know you” phase.

You envision long phone conversations. Walks in the park. Coffee meet ups where you chat forever.

You know, good old-fashioned courtship. 

She envisions brief text exchanges every day.

Yep, that’s where you are with conversations in modern dating.

For you, the exchanges on messenger are just the warm up. For her, they’re the whole darned dating process.

In modern dating, we hear about her – the serial messager – a lot.

Look, you are not wrong (unless you’re the serial messager, in which case you are probably not wholly right). You cannot maintain a relationship that is to grow by exchanging just messages forevermore.

Messaging (and texting) has become a safe space for a lot of people in modern dating, the same way that most things about the internet have.

You can slow down a conversation and take the time you need to give a thoughtful response or to come off the way in which you want to come off. 

You’re less likely to feel the pressure that leads to things coming out in ways that you didn’t intend.

You don’t have to see her face when you say things. She doesn’t get to see yours when she tells you things.

It’s comfortable.

RELATED:
Running Out Of Stuff To Say To Her?: How To Talk To A Lesbian

Except relationships aren’t always going to be comfortable, especially in the early goings, when some of the hardest conversations have to be had upfront.

So, while it’s nice and warm and cuddly in the messaging world, you can’t message forever.

There is a better approach to conversations in modern dating.

For example, it might be useful to let her know what your expectations are, and to listen to hers. 

If you meet resistance, ask her what her concerns are. Address them. Assure her.

You don’t want to push, but you don’t want to waste months of your life just messaging or texting if you’re ready to move on from that.

You have to find a happy medium that maximizes comfort for both of you. 

You don’t have to hop on Zoom right away. Phone calls afford some degree of protection as well. It’s not an unreasonable expectation that you would want to talk to her at some point in live time.

If she continues to resist, take this as the red flag it’s likely meant to be.

It’s possible that she’s not who she said she was. Or maybe she doesn’t look the way she described or showed via photos.

Maybe she’s looking for a pastime and not an actual relationship, despite claiming just the opposite.

She may just be very socially awkward and interactions are a real challenge for her. You want to be empathetic but consider this: the growth of a relationship depends on the growth of the people in it. If she’s not willing to grow in this way, there’s no way for your relationship to grow in other ways.

Pam and I started slowly – we exchanged a few messages on Match.com. Then a few weeks having long conversations on Yahoo Messenger (ahhh… *waxing nostalgic*). We finally exchanged phone numbers and talked on the phone, and then moved on to Skype. There was a steady, comfortable and thoughtful progression in our interactions.

Solid relationships are about starting with solid foundations. Potential for growth, or lack thereof, is established early on. So if you cannot grow your interactions, consider what other growth challenges you might meet along the way. And decide accordingly.

What role do you think conversations in modern dating have on moving forward with a relationship?

The post Lesbian Online Dating Advice: How to Have Conversations in Modern Dating appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

What women say that they want.

It’s usually one of two things: either the woman doesn’t know what she wants, or she knows what she wants but isn’t honest about her true intentions.

That first woman is exhausting, especially if you’re clear on what YOU want.

She’s exhausting because she can take you on a rollercoaster ride.

One day, she has one dream for her relationship, and the next day it’s something else.

One day, she seems to be the perfect fit for you, the next day, you don’t seem to want the same things anymore.

To avoid being that woman, take some time to really figure out what it is you want. What kind of relationship? What kind of woman? What does that relationship look like.

And I’m sure you can guess what I’m going to say next but here goes anyway: and be honest with yourself about it.

Which leads me to the next piece: women who know what they want (or who at least believe that they do) but say they want something else.

Maybe you know the drill, and if you’ve had people slide into your DMs (that’s “direct messaging” like Facebook or Instagram messenger, for those who are not in the know), you probably do:

She sends you a message because she saw you in a Facebook group. She claims she’s just looking for friends.

However, her message is a full-on dating profile.

Does she want friends or is she ultimately looking for a relationship? Those things are not mutually exclusive, so she also could be looking for both. 

And that’s the problem.

If you are looking for a friendship that could potentially lead to a relationship, then just say that. Don’t be cute about it. Be honest about it.

When you aren’t, then you end up with the woman who also only wants friends who might then be put off when you try to move things along.

Starting as friends is great (and recommended) but if you are on a journey to a romantic relationship, then you should be on it together. 

Besides, friendship and friendship with the ultimate goal of exploring something romantic are two different animals. The getting-to-know-you phase will likely be different depending on the goal. There are certain things that you don’t need to know about your friends that are important to know about a potential partner.

So just put it out there. Don’t be shy about saying what you want. 

Too often, women shy away from expressing their desires for fear of being viewed as difficult or too aggressive. Let that go. 

Trust me: more women would rather you just be honest.

The post Lesbian Dating: Is that Really the Type of Relationship You Want? appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Ghosting.

If you’re unschooled in the wise adolescent ways of online dating, let me explain ghosting. I’ll bet you already know what it is.

Ghosting happens when someone unexpectedly cuts off communication. There’s no explanation. No clear warning. Just suddenly no more texts. No more calls. They’re just gone. Poof. 

Relationships that begin online are ripe for ghosting because it’s so easy. You just stop responding to the emails or the texts. People don’t have to face each other.

It’s easy but it’s not the way you should go about things.

I get it. I’ve done it, back when I was young and tacky. I’d be chatting with someone, either via email, messenger or maybe even text.

Things would be going well. And then the excitement about the whole thing would start to fade. Usually, it was because I got the sense that this wasn’t the love connection I was hoping for.

I didn’t know what to do about it. I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, especially if I got the sense that the other person was into me more than I was into her.. So I would just stop communicating. Cold turkey.

I’ve also been on the other end of ghosting. You’re left wondering what happened. Was it something I said? Was she just busy? Did something more serious happen? You just never knew, and it was a horrible feeling.

At the same time, I took it as just part of the online dating game. Sometimes you ghosted; sometimes you got ghosted. Thems be the breaks, right?

It doesn’t have to be that way.

Let me be frank: this is never going to be a situation that is super comfortable, especially if she’s really into you and the feelings aren’t returned.

But doing the right thing isn’t always going to be the most comfortable thing.

That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t take a few minutes and actually bother to let this person in whom you have invested a bit of time know what’s up.

Besides, she also invested time in YOU.

If she was decent enough for you to have a conversation, then she’s decent enough for you to end the conversation like an adult.

But how do you do it, especially without hurting her feelings?

First, you cannot control her feelings. You can control what you say to her but not how she reacts to it. Make peace with that. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t or shouldn’t handle her with care.

So, second, just let her know. Be kind but be honest.

Not sure what to say? Try these starters:

I’ve enjoyed getting to know you. However, I don’t think that we’re a good fit and I’d hate to lead you on…

I know we’ve been chatting for a while. I don’t think, though, that I’m going to be what you need/want…

As much as I have enjoyed getting to know you, if I’m honest with myself, I don’t really have time to dedicate to a relationship the way I thought I did…

Be sure to wish her well in her search and with anything else that you know she has going on. The key is to let her know that, though this isn’t working out (for you, at least) that you hope good things for her and there are no hard feelings. Don’t make any promises that you don’t plan to keep though.

Like I said, this might not be the most comfortable message you’ve ever given someone. But with a little care and consideration, it can be one of the best.

If you got something from this post and believe someone can use it, please share it.

The post Lesbian Ghosting: How NOT to Ghost Her appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Dead before it even got to live.

A few days ago, someone shared a post that listed important discussions that every couple should have prior to entering a serious relationship – and certainly prior to entering into a marriage.

The list included topics such as parenting styles, religion, sexual expectations, childhood traumas, family health history, and political views.

The list was pretty exhaustive and I certainly don’t think one would need to cover ALL of those things. However, there are a few that are both important and intriguing topics for early discussions.

Bucket list?

Yes! What are some of the things she wants to do in her lifetime? What has she done already?

This one is great because it’s both fun and informative. Do you share some of the same plans and goals? Do you want to do some of the same things?

If your list contains stuff like climbing Mt. Everest or stepping foot in Antarctica and hers leans more towards “still be out after 5 PM” or “go to the zoo,” then that’s useful information for you to have.

But how do you ease into these conversations? I mean, you don’t want it to sound like an interview (though it kinda is).

The bucket list one is the perfect transition topic from the classic “What do you like to do?” that is featured in nearly every new potentially romantic interaction.
You’ll want to find these little opportunities to move into other topics, especially as the interaction progresses.

And when you ask what matters. Some of these topics are important but are best reserved for the next tier.

So when do you ask what?

That depends on what you think is most important and your personal preferences and pacing.

Some folks want the heavy stuff up front so they can do a quick weeding out right off the bat. Opposing political views? Bye. You want children and I don’t? Moving on.

Others prefer to ease into the hard stuff. After all, some of the more sensitive topics are more likely to get honest answers if there has been time to establish a level of trust.

Remember our discussion about liars? Some of them are just people who aren’t quite ready to give you the full story.

Topics like mental health history and finances are super important but also very sensitive. You want to be careful not to push her too early, lest she gloss over some things up front out of fear of scaring you off.

However you tackle these important (and interesting!) topics just know that there’s no fast way to effectively get to know someone.

There’s also no way to know everything about someone before you become seriously involved.

But there is a way to be very intentional about the conversations and lessons that you learn from and about each other.

The post Running Out Of Stuff To Say To Her?: How To Talk To A Lesbian appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

Liars.

Time and time again, frustrated users or ex-users of online dating services tell us how many times they’ve been lied to by women that they’ve met on this sites and apps.

Liars.

Sounds simple enough, right?

These women are obviously portraying themselves as something that they’re not. You find out that they’re not single or they don’t have the job that they told you they had. Maybe she has children and told you she did not. Those photos may have been from 15 years ago.

Those are certainly lies. No doubt about it.

But what about when you just feel like you’ve been lied to? Have you been?

This is where it gets a little gray.

Here’s the simple truth (pun possibly intended): sometimes we’re not great at telling others what we want and need.

Online dating is a breeding ground for this. People write bad profiles, containing mostly useless information. Trying to make sense of the scattered words, you read between the lines.

And sometimes, you’re going to be reading those lines wrong.

The outdated photo… did you ask if it was current? Sometimes people are on dating sites for a really long time (I know I was). They don’t always keep their profiles current.

What about that photo of her skiing in Colorado? You saw it and got excited because you LOVE to ski. Obviously she loves it too.

But does she really?

You get to chatting and realize that she HATES skiing and other outdoorsy things.

You swore she said in her profile that she loves skiing. Has she lied to you?

And then there’s your profile.

Is it as good as it can be? Is it clear? Is it current?

There will always be the people who don’t read or who think they can persuade you away from what you say you want. Sadly, you can’t avoid that.

But you can limit it by taking the time to put the best “you” out there.

It doesn’t have to be a novel; people aren’t going to read all of it anyway (it’s a sad, sad non-reading world we live in).

However, you can be clear and to the point, not wasting your word space on unnecessary info and using those words for the things that matter the most to you.

In the pre-Pam years, I had my profile on many many sites and I cannot tell you how many profiles I would run across that offered me so little to go on. All of the spaces were filled in, there were photos. But I came away with little that was helpful, little to connect it all together, or I maybe came away with something she hadn’t intended.

If I had contacted one of those women and came away with something different than what her profile gave me, I probably would have felt betrayed. Lied to.

If something is unclear, don’t fill in the blanks. Ask her about that skiing photo. Ask her what “loves going out” really means.

Look, this is the situation: people can be awful. Some will lie. Some will scam.

But others can be wonderful.

The best you can do is protect ourselves from the awful ones so that you make sure that you don’t miss out on the wonderful ones. And that takes a little extra effort.

Stay safe out there in those online dating streets.

The post She Lied on Her Profile: How to Limit the Liars appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

This was probably our third trip together (“trip” being measured as one that requires a flight). It was our first international trip together.

Back then, we were really traveling newbies. We’d done a little here or there; almost all domestic. To that point, our “international” travel experience were to Mexico and Canada, and only one time to each.

So, when we planned a trip to St. Martin (St. Maarten if you nasty), we were going to be taking the plunge in the international waters together. This was about 10 years ago.

We thought we had given ourselves enough time — hours, even. But when we arrived to the airport, we were smacked in the face with unsightly long lines at the check in counter.

Remember, this was more than 10 years ago. So there were none of those cute and very useful machines to facilitate the check in process. No adorable little kiosks to scan your passport and print off a bag tag. You had to rock it old school: stand in line and wait.

So wait we did. Our local airport, Newark, is one of three airports serving the NYC metro area. All three are international airports on steroids. This is a very diverse area of the country and while that’s wonderful, what it also means is that any number of people from all over the world are criss-crossing through our airports at any moment in time.

This particular morning, families of 5-6 had luggage piled up higher than any NBA player has ever reached. It was slow going to check in even one family.

Pam and I stood in line, passports ready, our lone bags nearby. And we watched the clock tick.

And it ticked. It was ticking faster than the line was moving.

Long story short(er), we missed our flight.

Thankfully, after a run-in with a few unsympathetic desk clerks, we were able to secure a flight that would get us onto the beach a day later than planned.

So why tell you this story?

I tell you this story because, from that ordeal came a lesson for us (and you!).

Yes, yes. Get to the airport early for international flights. We learned that. We haven’t made the mistake since (with a heavy assist from the Gods of Advanced Technology).

But there was something greater to learn from this.

Pam and I had waited in that long line, saw it inch ever so slowly. We watched the clock. We counted people in line. We tried to guess how much longer.

All of those things were red flags. It was a warning that something wasn’t going well.

But we stood there. And waited. We even tried to rationalize why we shouldn’t do something. Anything.

Further, both of us were very concerned. Both of us felt like we should do something.

But we never said a thing to the other until it was too late. Communication, the hallmark of our relationship, even in the early goings, just fell apart.

So we ignored red flags. We failed to act when we knew something was wrong. And we didn’t communicate.

In the end, we wasted time. We lost out on opportunities that might have existed had we taken action. That’s how it goes when you invest time and energy into the wrong things.

From little daily life events like this come lessons for your relationship. Also, from your relationship come lessons that can help you moving through life.

Make sure your life and your relationship are on the same page and moving in the same direction.

Have there been times where life stuff has taught you something about your relationship or your relationship has taught you something about how to live life?

The post The Signs Are There – Are You Making Excuses? appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

With that in mind, I want to write to you about the importance of taking a pause.

Pam and I have been two of the most pandemic – agreeable folks on the planet, or at least I’m guessing (since I haven’t yet polled everyone). But since last March, we have been dutifully in our home, limiting our outside contact, following whatever the ever-changing recommendations were in the moment.

It still blows my mind that in January 2020, we were running footloose and fancy free around Asia, not aware of the turmoil that was brewing, and which hit the fan not long after we returned. We were lucky. Really lucky.

Anyhoo….

We love to travel. It’s one of those things that we have grown into together, from a mere interest to a real love. So it’s been reeeeealllly hard for us to stay put, as our travel plans for summer 2020 got pushed back and eventually cancelled.

But here we are. With things settling a bit, we thought it was time that we dipped our toes back into the traveling waters.

We wanted to do it but, ever the dutiful pandemic survivors, we wanted to do it safely. It had to be somewhere that wasn’t too far. Outside activities and dining had to be an option pretty much all the time. We didn’t want crowds. Dog-friendly was a must because, let’s face it, even our dog deserved a vacay.

See, we needed a pause. We needed a pause in our regularly scheduled programming.

One of us *cough* Pam *cough* really only distances herself from her regularly scheduled programming while away.

And though we loved our home, we needed a change in scenery.

We also needed to know and feel like there was a life to be desired in the post-Covid world.

Taking a pause, pandemic or not, is so incredibly important. It slows your life down. It can create clarity in other areas.

Sometimes it can be hard to see some things unless you remove the noise.

Pausing helps remove the noise.

Here, I’m talking about using a vacation as a pause to a brutal pandemic, but of course, it doesn’t have to be.

A walk during a work day can help clear your head.

A sweet treat can help break the monotony of a new healthy meal plan. Maybe you’ll return to that healthy eating style the next day realizing that you don’t miss those treats as much as you thought or by learning that you can have that treat and still get right back on track the next day. 

And how about stopping action during the grind of the dating scene to ponder what you’ve learned and what you still need and want to know?

If you’re lucky on the dating scene, you may find yourself in a whirlwind of possibilities. Some of these “possibilities” are good fits for you, and others not so much. But they’re there.

So if you’re feeling overwhelmed in the dating process or really any spot in your life, take a pause.

A pause. Not a stoppage. 

Time to relax. Reflect. Appreciate. Evaluate.

You know how you probably turn down the car radio so you can do things like operate the ATM?

Take that pause and turn down life’s noise so you can focus on the task at hand.

And don’t worry that pausing is going to slow down your progress. Sometimes, it’s the thing necessary to speed it up.

The post Taking a pause from dating appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

That’s one word I can use to describe my dad. 

Boy, that man could talk. 

He could spend hours on the phone talking.

No sooner than he hung up with one person, he’d pick up the phone, dial it, and chat it up with someone else. 

You could be a complete stranger and he’d engage in a conversation. 

Case and point. 

We, my mom and I, helped my sister move into her dorm at NYU her freshman year of college. 

Where was my dad?

He was doing two things. 

One was “watching the car.” 

The other was talking to other “watching the car” parents moving their kids into the dorm. 

On the ride back home my dad told my mom and I all about the families of people he struck up a conversation with as we were going in and out of the dorm with my sister’s stuff.

For one family, he had practically learned their family tree. Dad was big on genealogy. 

As you can see, talking is something my dad loved to do. 

He, however, was a terrible communicator. 

Rather than confer with my mother on important matters he just did them. 

Instead of letting my mother know well in advance about plans, he’d give her short notice. 

Another thing about his poor communication skills is something that’s akin to not just lesbian women, but women in general. 

He didn’t communicate as a way to avoid confrontation. 

Does that sound familiar?

I don’t know if he ever avoided communicating because he didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but some women are big on that too. 

Being a talker, but not communicating, especially on important topics, is proof that loving to talk and communication are not the same. 

My dad said several times, especially in his older years, “I don’t like to argue. I don’t like confrontation.”

So instead of communicating, he said nothing. At times he’d go as far as avoiding people for days. 

That included church folk. My dad practically lived at the church. 

So when he didn’t attend a church conference or deacon meeting or church board meeting, we knew someone had made him upset and he was avoiding much needed conversations. 

The man who loved to talk didn’t know how to communicate. 

And I knew that not just about my dad, but also about my mom. 

Sadly, my mom fell in-line with the patriarchy. 

As a collective, my parents' relationship communication style was abysmal. 

To the day my dad passed away, communication between my parents’ was horrible and it was affecting me. 

All I wanted was for them to communicate better.

Observing my parents’ relationship is one of the reasons why I was determined my next relationship (which is with Kelly) was going to be built on the foundation of good communication.

I was (and am) living what good communication looked like. I wanted that for them. Heck, I want that for you too. 

I’m not a big talker like my dad, but I do communicate, even when those conversations are uncomfortable. 

Thankfully for us, because we communicate so well, Kelly and I don’t have too many uncomfortable conversations. 

Our relationship is happy, healthy, and as of this writing 12 years strong.

Do you want a healthy and lasting relationship?

Make communication a priority.

If you pride yourself on being a talker, make sure to not confuse your love for talking as loving communication. 

Those are not the same. 

Talking is a component of communication, it’s not communicating. 

Loving to talk, but avoiding hurting someone's feelings, or not wanting someone to hurt your feelings, is not communicating. 

And if you’re looking for someone and she tells you she loves to talk, know whether or not you like a talker, but also pay attention to whether or not she knows how to communicate.

The post What Communication is Not? appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

This leads me to the subject of red flags. Our belief that we can change people sometimes leads us to ignore what should be viewed as red flags in the relationship.

But when is something a red flag and when is it just a nuisance that might want to consider getting over?

I wish I could tell you, but there is no list of red flags anywhere.

Yeah, there are things that we should always view as the dangers that they are:

• Violence of any sort
• Lack of demonstration of love or caring
• Dishonesty

There are probably a few more but those are the biggies. If any of these show up in your relationship, it’s time to take some serious action.

What about other things? Things like…

• Lack of ambition
• Messiness
• Disinterest in sharing the responsibility of the relationship equally
• Staying out late
• Never wanting to go out
• Smoking
• Drinking

The answer is that, well, it depends.

There are a couple things to consider when trying to figure out if it’s a real red flag or it’s a nuisance.

First, how frequent is it? Is it

Shorter term behaviors are more tolerable than longer term, as are things that only come up occasionally. Maybe she’s messy because her life is super busy right now and house cleaning just isn’t on top of the list, but will be when things calm down (assuming they’ll calm down). Maybe she only has a glass of wine on the weekends.

Be careful here though. Sometimes things that are promised to be short-term end up being more long-term. So things that may have just been bothersome early in a relationship can enter red flag territory if they don’t improve.

Second, how much does it bother you?

This is probably the most important thing. One person’s flea is another person’s tarantula. What is a mere annoyance for you might be a dealbreaker for someone else.

This one also requires that you are honest with yourself about whether and how much something bothers you.

I will readily admit that I don’t always trust my feelings. I sometimes feel like maybe I’m overblowing something, or that I shouldn’t feel a certain way. But I still have those feelings.

Be honest with yourself about those feelings (and with her, but let’s start with you). Don’t try to convince yourself that you can live with it if you know that you can’t.

If you’d rather she not smoke at all, and it really bothers you, don’t talk yourself out of that feeling. If it bothers you, it bothers you. If you can’t live with it, you can’t live with it. Be ok with that.

Lack of ambition – you want her to always be wanting more, to never be satisfied, but she’s happy with who and what she is right now and has no desire to change that. If that bothers you, it bothers you. Own it. It’s ok.

That’s when something goes from nuisance to red flag.

“But don’t I sound picky when I’m bothered by certain things?” Eh. Maybe. But that’s a discussion for another time – maybe next week

What are some things that are red flags for you?

The post Lesbian Relationships – Learn to Spot those Red Flags appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

This is one of those things. It’s just double when it comes to us.

The conversation was about how to know the difference between when something was a red flag and when something was just a little thing that you have to learn to live with.

This conversation struck a chord with me because when Pam and I talk to lesbians about their dating issues, one of the mistakes women mention most often is ignoring red flags.

But that’s not exactly what I want to talk about. We’ll save the conversation about red flags for next week.

Right now, I want to talk about something that plagues too many women, straight or lesbian or in the spaces in between:

Why do we think that we can change people?

It goes something like this: you meet a woman that you really like. You like (maybe even LOVE) most things about her. But there’s maybe something she does that you don’t like, or that she doesn’t do at all that you would really like her to do. If she did these things, then you’d REALLY like her and things would be pretty perfect.

So you tell yourself, “Shoot. I’ll fix that.”

Hear this: you cannot build your perfect mate. And this is especially true the older we get.

That woman has lived a long life before she met you. Maybe she is happy with that life, maybe she isn’t. But she has known many people before she met you. If any of them could change her, then she’d be changed.

Only she can change herself.

Maybe you want her to be a homebody and she’s used to be out on the social scene. You can make suggestions. You can even entice her to stay home. But unless she wants to stay home, you will not convert her.

Sometimes you get what I’ll call a “false positive.” That is, she shows signs of changing. She stays home more. She dresses more femme or butch. Whatever it is you’re wanting to change, she does it.

But can or will she sustain it?

If this is not the change SHE wants, then she will grow resentful of you, and no relationship can be sustained on resentment.

Find the woman who is already what you want and need.

It’s ok if she’s less than perfect. We all will be.

But decide what you can and cannot live without. If that *thing* that you hope to instill down the road is super important to you, then this is probably not the relationship for you.

That’s when that lack or presence of that *thing* becomes a red flag for you. Heed it.

So many lesbians love a good home improvement project.

Your mate is not to be one of those projects.

The post Lesbian Relationships – Do You Know What a Red Flag Is? appeared first on Pam & Kelly.