Yes, we dated for 4 years before getting married (and this was post-marriage equality in the state of New York where we work and play and recognition in the state of New Jersey, where we live). So this was a choice, not a matter of circumstance.

We talk to you all the time about playing the long game. That’s what we did.

You probably know this already: I (Kelly) was living in Texas and Pam in New Jersey when we met on Match.

Through a series of messages back and forth on the platform, we hit it off. This was late April 2009.

But we took it reeeeeallllly slooooow. Messages on Match turned into live chats on Yahoo Messenger (remember that?!).

Live chats became phone calls. We were at the phone call phase when we finally met in person, in July 2009. So it took 2 months for us to meet in person! We were ok with that. We were setting a tone for our relationship.

Take your time. Remember what I said last week about good foundations?

Two years later, I moved to New Jersey. Yes, two years. We did two years long distance. Maybe I’ll share some ideas for surviving that time in another post.

Anyway, I moved to New Jersey. BUT – and this is a big but (no, not that kind…) – Pam and I did NOT move in together.

You read that correctly. We did not move in together. I got my own apartment nearby. And, yes, I stayed there most of the time.

For a relationship that was established via long distance, moving in together would be a huge step. Too huge. That was a completely different way of running a relationship; a completely different dynamic to introduce.

We wanted to take it slow and give ourselves time to adjust our relationship to this new reality.
Over the year that I had my apartment, we established a new way of being together, of setting boundaries, since distance no longer did that for us. We spent more time together, learning how to live together, without being dropped into the deep end.

Sometimes people get impatient and want to force or push things. Well, “things” sometimes push back. We didn’t want that to happen to us.

A year later, we moved in together. And the rest is, as they say, history.

Here we are, 12 years after that first meeting.

In separate Facebook posts, Pam and I both reflected on what arriving at this moment meant for each of us. This week, we wanted to share those posts with you.

Pam to Kelly

Kelly to Pam

Wedding Celebration Post

What is a takeaway that you can apply to your situation?

The post Celebration of Healthy Lesbian Love appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

It was the mid to late nineties.

I had been with my then-girlfriend of 10 years for a few years. How the discussion of marriage came up, I don’t recall.

What I do recall was standing firm on not wanting to get married. I’m a Taurus, we’re stubborn.  It wasn’t that I didn’t love her. That was not the case at all.

At the time I didn’t see the purpose of marriage.

For one, I had seen my parents’ marriage. Aren’t our parents our model for what marriage should look like? That’s what I thought.

And because I thought that, I wanted no parts of marriage. 

It’s not because my parents’ marriage was awful or abusive. There just wasn’t anything about it that made me think that marriage was this great institution people went on and on about.

My dad spent more time at church than at home and my mom followed the biblical script of patriarchy. I wasn’t down for that.

Plus, their communication sucked.

For two (I don’t think that’s right, but if I’m going to have a for one, why not have a for two? – if this is still here, Kelly let me slide by keeping this grammatical offense in here). 

Ok back to my for two.

For two, I felt marriage was just a piece of paper and I didn’t need a piece of paper to tell me how much I loved anyone and I loved hard. I still do.

And, today I am married.

So why the change on my stance on marriage?

A part of it is because of growth and maturity.

My 10-year relationship ended when I was 31, or 32 years old, so I spent a good part of that relationship in my 20s.

I was a twenty-something dumb-dumb. Lol

Seriously, there was a lot I didn’t know and hadn’t experienced by my 20s. So I had a narrow-minded view of the world.

Fast forward to almost 10 years later, I met Kelly.

I had experienced a great deal between the 10-year relationship and Kelly. I spent almost seven of those 10 years on self – my single self. I’ll talk about that one day, just not today.

But through dating, short-lived relationships, heart-break, having sexual experiences I had previously refused (again, another story for another day), trying new foods, becoming a long-distance runner after being a long sprinter, and much more, I grew.

The other part of it is because I was ready and I was with the right partner to marry.

I’ll never forget it. There was no special moment. I was just in Kelly’s presence one day after being together for almost four years and a thought hit me:

“God I love her. I love her intelligence. I love how we laugh together. I love how she loves me, comforts me, and supports me. I love our conversations. I love how we say things at the same time so often.” 

Then plop, it happened.

“I love her so much I want to be with her the rest of my life and I want to show her. I want to marry her.”

And marry her I did, on a steaming hot beautiful Saturday morning on July, 6th 2013 at Summit Rock in NYC.

Here’s a snippet of a video Kelly made for me as an anniversary gift in 2015.

Some would say our love story started online with an email exchange via Match.com. I’d say our love story started well before that.

And if you don’t know it, that’s true for you too. Your love story comes from your life experiences. It’s how you use those experiences to your advantage that matters.

Here’s why.

It was every relationship, including my parents’, my own, that of others, breakups and heartbreaks that prepared me for Kelly.

See it all came down to, not being in a rush, and learning and knowing who I was and what I needed. And I took that experience to what was available to me at the time.

For me, it was going online to find love.

Today Kelly and I help lesbian, queer, and bi women build the foundation for a healthy, lasting relationship.

One way we do that is by starting with the beginning.

So if you’re looking for or tried looking for love online, but it didn’t work out, are you looking on the right type of site?

Don’t know, take our Quiz, What’s the Right Type of Dating Site for Your Next Relationship?

The post Lesbian Couple Gets Married appeared first on Pam & Kelly.