Then it came: a travel package to Costa Rica that was fully refundable. Fully refundable? That’s my favorite price! (next to free)There was literally no risk.

Let’s do it!

So a couple of weeks ago, we did.

It was a lovely time. Despite it being the rainy season in much of the country, the weather was mostly cooperative and didn’t get in the way of anything we wanted to do. The people were downright hospitable, friendly and helpful.

It was literally a random email that took us on this journey. And we just did it. We took the chance. We booked the trip. We got on the plane.

I tell you all of this not to rehash our vacation with you (though, if you’re interested, keep your eyes out for posts we have about our trip coming up).

I tell you this because this was the vacation that we didn’t know we wanted.

This is about taking advantage of opportunities.

This is about finding something that you didn’t know you wanted or needed because you took advantage of an opportunity that you maybe never even considered before.

There are so many places in our lives where this is relevant.

Maybe a friend has been trying to get you to go on a trip of your own with her and you’ve been making excuses.

Just get on the plane.

Maybe a job posting keeps coming across your inbox and you’ve been itching to try something new.

Just get on the plane.

Maybe there’s a meetup group in your hometown that keeps having interesting events but you’ve too shy to join in the fun by yourself.

Just get on the plane.

Well, just get in your car. Or on the train. Whatever. You know what I’m saying. Just go.

The point is that sometimes, on the other side of opportunity, is that thing we’ve been wanting or needing.

Sometimes that “thing” is a career that rejuvenates you, or maybe it’s the best friend you’ve always wanted but have never been able to find. Sometimes it’s that love. You never know. Get on the plane.

Let me be clear: I’m not telling you to make rash decisions or take uncalculated risks.

But sometimes we spend more time rationalizing why we SHOULDN’T do something instead of why we SHOULD.

Every now and then, let yourself take the deal.

And if it’s a deal to Costa Rica, then we especially highly endorse the decision.

The post Find the Right Woman for You by Finding Something That You Didn’t Know You Needed appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

This group is lesbian focused and the panel was a discussion about relationships, led by Pam and I and another married lesbian couple. 

The audience was fairly mixed between singles and couples and the conversation covered topics such as getting over relationship hurdles, the importance of communication and the general process of maintaining a long-lasting healthy relationship.

One attendant asked how you balance independence and being in a relationship.

My answer was simple and it’s maybe one you’ve heard from us before: Pam and I believe in You, Me, and Us.

That is, we do maintain our own separate identities and interests, and even friends. Although we have a lot in common, there are some things that we do enjoy doing independently and friendships we maintain that are mostly independent of each other. 

And then there is Us. This is the part of our lives that we maintain together. Of course, as a married couple, there are household expenses that we maintain together.

But we also have common friends that we made together. There are shows that we only watch together. We enjoy a good group or family outing as much as anyone, but there’s also time that we set aside for just the two of us.

There’s more to it though.

The thing is that one thing feeds another. 

By growing in our independent lives, we enrich our married life.

One of the biggest concerns people have about long term relationships is how do you keep it fresh? Don’t you run out of stuff to say?

Well, not if you’re always doing something new, or growing in a different way.

Every new life change we experience adds something different and new to our relationship.

Promotion at work? Something new to talk about and navigate.

New project at work or in one of the organizations in which you’re active? Something new to talk about and navigate.

Your friends get into something they’ve never tried before and they tell you about it? Yep, you guessed it. Something new for you and your love to discuss and maybe even try yourself.

As you read this post, Pam and I are on a much needed vacation to Costa Rica, our first trip out of the country since literally weeks before Covid reared its ugly head in a major way.

Traveling is something we grew into together. Before meeting, we’d done some basic trips but the farthest we’d ever really ventured was Canada or Mexico.

But I have a friend who moved to St. Croix and she invited me to come visit (friend having a new experience!)

Pam and I were pretty new in our relationship, but I asked if she’d like to join me and (of course!) she said yes.

That was quite an adventure for both of us and we had experiences that were different than on the mainland U.S. The travel bug had hit us — together.

See, as long as you are each growing and experiencing individually, then you have the opportunity to grow and experience together.

It is possible to grow apart. That’s just real talk. But the fear of that should not keep you from striving to grow.

The real danger is when you stop growing and experiencing because that’s when your relationship will, too.

Have a great one and I (Kelly) hope you get to experience a little (or a lot!) of pura vida, as we are!

The post Lesbian Relationships: How to Balance Independence in Your Relationship appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

What women say that they want.

It’s usually one of two things: either the woman doesn’t know what she wants, or she knows what she wants but isn’t honest about her true intentions.

That first woman is exhausting, especially if you’re clear on what YOU want.

She’s exhausting because she can take you on a rollercoaster ride.

One day, she has one dream for her relationship, and the next day it’s something else.

One day, she seems to be the perfect fit for you, the next day, you don’t seem to want the same things anymore.

To avoid being that woman, take some time to really figure out what it is you want. What kind of relationship? What kind of woman? What does that relationship look like.

And I’m sure you can guess what I’m going to say next but here goes anyway: and be honest with yourself about it.

Which leads me to the next piece: women who know what they want (or who at least believe that they do) but say they want something else.

Maybe you know the drill, and if you’ve had people slide into your DMs (that’s “direct messaging” like Facebook or Instagram messenger, for those who are not in the know), you probably do:

She sends you a message because she saw you in a Facebook group. She claims she’s just looking for friends.

However, her message is a full-on dating profile.

Does she want friends or is she ultimately looking for a relationship? Those things are not mutually exclusive, so she also could be looking for both. 

And that’s the problem.

If you are looking for a friendship that could potentially lead to a relationship, then just say that. Don’t be cute about it. Be honest about it.

When you aren’t, then you end up with the woman who also only wants friends who might then be put off when you try to move things along.

Starting as friends is great (and recommended) but if you are on a journey to a romantic relationship, then you should be on it together. 

Besides, friendship and friendship with the ultimate goal of exploring something romantic are two different animals. The getting-to-know-you phase will likely be different depending on the goal. There are certain things that you don’t need to know about your friends that are important to know about a potential partner.

So just put it out there. Don’t be shy about saying what you want. 

Too often, women shy away from expressing their desires for fear of being viewed as difficult or too aggressive. Let that go. 

Trust me: more women would rather you just be honest.

The post Lesbian Dating: Is that Really the Type of Relationship You Want? appeared first on Pam & Kelly.

That’s one word I can use to describe my dad. 

Boy, that man could talk. 

He could spend hours on the phone talking.

No sooner than he hung up with one person, he’d pick up the phone, dial it, and chat it up with someone else. 

You could be a complete stranger and he’d engage in a conversation. 

Case and point. 

We, my mom and I, helped my sister move into her dorm at NYU her freshman year of college. 

Where was my dad?

He was doing two things. 

One was “watching the car.” 

The other was talking to other “watching the car” parents moving their kids into the dorm. 

On the ride back home my dad told my mom and I all about the families of people he struck up a conversation with as we were going in and out of the dorm with my sister’s stuff.

For one family, he had practically learned their family tree. Dad was big on genealogy. 

As you can see, talking is something my dad loved to do. 

He, however, was a terrible communicator. 

Rather than confer with my mother on important matters he just did them. 

Instead of letting my mother know well in advance about plans, he’d give her short notice. 

Another thing about his poor communication skills is something that’s akin to not just lesbian women, but women in general. 

He didn’t communicate as a way to avoid confrontation. 

Does that sound familiar?

I don’t know if he ever avoided communicating because he didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but some women are big on that too. 

Being a talker, but not communicating, especially on important topics, is proof that loving to talk and communication are not the same. 

My dad said several times, especially in his older years, “I don’t like to argue. I don’t like confrontation.”

So instead of communicating, he said nothing. At times he’d go as far as avoiding people for days. 

That included church folk. My dad practically lived at the church. 

So when he didn’t attend a church conference or deacon meeting or church board meeting, we knew someone had made him upset and he was avoiding much needed conversations. 

The man who loved to talk didn’t know how to communicate. 

And I knew that not just about my dad, but also about my mom. 

Sadly, my mom fell in-line with the patriarchy. 

As a collective, my parents' relationship communication style was abysmal. 

To the day my dad passed away, communication between my parents’ was horrible and it was affecting me. 

All I wanted was for them to communicate better.

Observing my parents’ relationship is one of the reasons why I was determined my next relationship (which is with Kelly) was going to be built on the foundation of good communication.

I was (and am) living what good communication looked like. I wanted that for them. Heck, I want that for you too. 

I’m not a big talker like my dad, but I do communicate, even when those conversations are uncomfortable. 

Thankfully for us, because we communicate so well, Kelly and I don’t have too many uncomfortable conversations. 

Our relationship is happy, healthy, and as of this writing 12 years strong.

Do you want a healthy and lasting relationship?

Make communication a priority.

If you pride yourself on being a talker, make sure to not confuse your love for talking as loving communication. 

Those are not the same. 

Talking is a component of communication, it’s not communicating. 

Loving to talk, but avoiding hurting someone's feelings, or not wanting someone to hurt your feelings, is not communicating. 

And if you’re looking for someone and she tells you she loves to talk, know whether or not you like a talker, but also pay attention to whether or not she knows how to communicate.

The post What Communication is Not? appeared first on Pam & Kelly.